Teenager lends laptop he used for masturbation 10 minutes earlier to mother

Written by Will Offit

Saturday, 8 August 2015


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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CLEVELAND, OH--Hoping for the best, local teenager Nate Bannington handed his laptop computer--which he had used 10 minutes earlier for masturbation--to his mother, Dorothy Bannington.

"I just got back from school and I had some free time on my hands," Nate said to reporters after the incident. "About 10 minutes after I finished with everything--you know, the porn stuff--my mom walked into my room, asking if she could borrow my computer to look up a cooking recipe. She then grabbed the computer from me. At that point, all I could do was close my eyes and pray."

Nate, who watched a video titled 'Foreign Exchange Escapades', calmly observed Dorothy's proceedings on his laptop--surveilling to see if she would notice that the computer had no programs open or that a small bit of tissue paper was crumpled between the screen and keyboard.

"I forgot to turn on private browsing and I didn't have time to delete the browser history, so I was struggling to remain calm," Nate recalled. "She started off by going to Google, at which point I sat completely still and didn't breathe. But thankfully, she didn't search for anything beginning with the letter 'P'."

Not having found the recipe she wanted on Google, Dorothy instead searched for the website ForksOverKnives.com, which provides a non-animal and non-processed food diet based on the documentary of the same name. Once again, Dorothy performed the search via Google--not understanding that she could type the website into the address bar to get there faster.

"I was about to scream at her to use the address bar, but luckily I didn't say anything and masked my inner eruption of panic," Nate said.

As Dorothy typed 'For' in forksoverknives.com, the words, 'Foreign Exchange Escapades', appeared as a search suggestion. But because Dorothy can only type by looking straight at the keyboard and not at the screen, she never noticed the search suggestion before hitting 'Enter.'

"I was ready to slam the computer shut, but fortunately I stayed composed and trusted her lack of basic computer skills to help my cause," Nate said.

After finding an appetizing recipe for 'Herb-Crusted Asparagus Spears', Dorothy got excited and accidentally clicked the red box in the upper corner and exited the browser. Because she didn't finish reading the recipe, she reopened the browser and once again searched for the website through Google. After having a better short-term memory for where each letter was located on the keyboard, Dorothy looked up at the screen and noticed 'Foreign Exchange Escapades' appear in the suggestions, seemingly discovering Nate's secret.

"When I saw my mom notice this, I felt dead inside, like a cold lifeless being," Nate said. "I was already thinking about different ways I could run away from home. But then, she asked me what it meant and I saw an out."

Lying that he had searched the phrase because he wanted to live with a family in a European country during his senior year, Nate successfully explained to Dorothy how he had always wanted to travel without mentioning that it had any relation to pornography. Dorothy encouraged him to pursue his dream while cautioning him about the different lifestyle in Europe and how much she will miss him, and then went downstairs to the kitchen to see if she had the right ingredients.

"I guess you can call me a master of disguise," Nate said, smiling. "Sign me up for the CIA."

At press time, Dorothy Bannington noticed the crumpled tissue and immediately realized what Nate had done.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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