Falkirk Man Hits Out At Bairns Drain...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Thursday, 26 November 2020

image for Falkirk Man Hits Out At Bairns Drain...
Bring the legends back or Skinflats gets it...

A Falkirk man who was just walking down the street, suddenly hit out at a total stranger because his beloved home-town is full of idiots.

"Every village has an idiot, but we are flooded with idiots from other villages just settling here because they've been kicked out of their own gaff. Even our own resident idiot, Chief Inspector Bawbag decided to pack-in Central Scotland Polis because these idiots were giving idiots like him a bad name. He's now transferred to Strathclyde Polis to concentrate on just being a c*nt,", ranted Spazzy McGoo.

Tensions have been escalating in the region for years, with protesters taking the knee for Falkirk Bairns Matter. The local NHS staff even clapping every opening-time to give their support to the cause.

"It's a total travesty, because Falkirk was the place to be, nobody would ever lower themselves to move to Glasgow, but that's how bad the standards have gotten. Glasgow must be full of nice people now because all oor legends are living there! All we have now is Burberry shellsuits and fuds talking like that nonce, Limmy," added Coco Ross.

A local man, Razor Kerr, even attempted to organise a Bonfire Night for all the local Bairns, to end the feuds - but the idiots at the Polis put a stop to it whilst ex-SAS man Ross Kemp was there to film a documentary. Kemp had to be escorted from the area before being picked up in his private Chinook helicopter. 'That was scary,' he later said.

"Local legends like Cranky, Spanky and Tanktop left to go on their travels and are doing well in the media with Facebook. They're never coming back - what would they be coming back to anyway? This place was once a hotbed for talent, especially the pigskin, but it's went tae the dugs. Jock Tamson wid be turning in his grave at the way the Goldie's have imported Weegies into our howff. Moronic is the word that best describes them, they'd bring a tear to that Bagpuss doll that lives in the front windae at 26 Mongolheed Road," griped Emily Ingle.

Even the resident Jimmy Cricket lookalike has had to move away to get work. Neil Brodie now works at Poundland in Edinburgh, where he's asked constantly on a daily basis how much everything is. He still pretends to his wife that he's signing-on, rather than admit that.

"There's not much work for me in Falkirk these days. I mean, there's too much competition these days for a toothless simpleton, but I'm looking into joining Central Scotland Polis, there's a pretty big gap there left to fill," said Jimmy, err, Neil.

Further outrage has since followed the Council, who many believe to be responsible for the mass immigration into the area, as they announced plans to close services, a whole village called Skinflats and sell-off properties that once provided a bed and shelter for Princess Diana.

Shockingly, councillor Goldie initially refused to comment, but when Mr McGoo threatened him with an almost empty bottle of Lidl's Rank Bavarian Scotch, he relented.

"We cannot continue to maintain buildings that once housed royalty for only one night. If we were to do that, we'd bankrupt the entire country, because she done a lot of sleeping around. What we'll do is sell them off, so we can provide more shelter to all my Weegie pals."

Once proud, and the last remaining legend, Scooter Nairns, who, for once, didn't mind being named, hollered: "TAXI!!! IM A CELEBRITY, GET ME FUCKEN OUTTA HERE!"

(Any similarity between any of these characters, places, stories or any Fawkuurt Bairn actually still living in Falkirk at this time is purely coincidental, and they're probably too stupid to notice anyway! Arrivederci ...)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more