You Can't Polish A Turd But You Can Polish Where It's Been!

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Tuesday, 20 October 2020

image for You Can't Polish A Turd But You Can Polish Where It's Been!
Well, blow me down...

A top engineer that designed residential hoovers for Dyson and Henry, was shocked to discover his latest invention had been mocked and ridiculed by his peers. After a 40-year career that started with Kirby, John Edgar was without an income and almost homeless.

"It was hellish. I had blown my life savings on my new inventions, but Dyson, of all people, flatly refused to help. It was an all-in-one cube that was like the Swiss Army Knife of home cleaning. It was equipped to do all the cleaning that hoovers like Henry refused to do. I reckon it could have been marketed for less than £200. I was made to feel like a sucker."

After accepting his invention was going nowhere, John took a genius idea from cycling legend Graeme Obree, and bought a pile of scrap from a local scrappies. He decided to build something spectacular, and set upon an old road sweeper that was abandoned by the local council.

"What a great idea that was. I could convert the engine, pipes and hoses and come up with the world's first industrial Poop-Scoop!" said Edgar.

Within months, his latest invention was put into production and based in Leeds. He now had a start on cleaning up the streets of the UK, erasing all the sh*t that has sometimes tarnished it. Westminster would take 100 poop-scoopers!

"The brilliant thing about these machines is the sucking and blowing switch which I call the BoJo switch. The power in the blowing hose is ten times more powerful than that of a fighter jet, and I happily used that to apply all the crap to the outside of parliament! It brought a whole new meaning to the term - The Shit Has Hit The Fan!" he laughed.

John Edgar escaped a jail sentence and now travels the world doing demos with his crappy inventions. He is currently in Washington.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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