Prime Idiot, Boris Johnson, has pulled a prize turkey out of the hat during the latest session of PMQs. In a presser, a room full of journalists sat dumbfounded as he described his government's current festive dilemma.
He choked, "Since forcing kids to go back to school, and with a second wave of the virus due by the end of the month, we cannot risk the future of this country missing out on Christmas. Santa will come early. This decision has been made after taking the advice of my medical advisers, Richard Madeley and Denise Welch."
The government's own complaints department, twitter.com, immediately went into meltdown on the news.
"He's ripping up the EU agreement, ripping up the Good Friday Agreement and ripping up international laws. Hardly surprising the daft c*nt is wanting to get his hands on the bible - so he can rip that up as well! I'm praying this story actually appears on TheSpoof.com so I can have a gid laugh," said @KennyLogan.
One other twitterati claimed he was setting a dangerous precedent. "He's playing with fire. Christmas already came early for Liverpool FC and Celtic FC when he awarded them their league titles. He nearly started a war in Glasgow and Dundee. What next? Awarding England the Euro Nations Cup or the World Cup??? Keep him well away from matches - and petrol."
84 year-old Marjory Macbeth tweeted, "How will I get my tree? I could go into Asda right now and buy an Easter Egg, but no f*cking tree?"
It took Dundee United fan Lord Watson almost 3 hours to end the charade by stepping outside of the House Of Lords and stating,
"His mindset is that of an overgrown child. He cannot bring Xmas forward, or even scrap the original one - even though we would all like to because shopping is always f*cken murder in December. We have a legal mandate, and it is written quite clearly right there in the 'Santa' Clause".
Bojo later withdrew the claim, saying: "I was only joking, peeps. April Fools, Bassas! Gotcha!"