Falkirk Bairn Wins Hearts And Minds Of The Community...

Funny story written by Scooter Nairns

Saturday, 12 September 2020

image for Falkirk Bairn Wins Hearts And Minds Of The Community...
"I learned it all from Google..."

A 10-year-old boy from Bainsford, Josh Sanderson, has won critical acclaim for the work he is doing in and around the town. His generosity has included picking-up litter along the canal, handing out food parcels for the elderly during the lock-down, plus helping to raise funds for the local Bainsford Parish Church which could soon face closure.

He's taken part in clapping for the NHS, he's taken the knee for the Black Lives Matter campaign, but even more impressive than that, was walking into the charity shop, 'Save A Staffie' on Graham's Road, and handing in his £3.50 pocket money to a delighted volunteer.

"He's such a wee cutie. He's like a young version of Jesus, but without the beard, long hair and sandals. He's one of a kind. I just wish there were more people in this town like him. His donation helped keep two dogs alive this week, and he said he'd be back with some more. He's really something special," said a tearful Sheila.

Stunned councillors, who sit around all week and waffle about this and that, immediately sat up and took notice.

"We love talent like Josh, we've been hearing alot about him. He's the type of person that councils like because we can capatalise, err, kill, err, i mean learn something from. His ethics seem like we could all be doing with taking a leaf out of his book."

BB Captain Mitch Paulson, who led the plea to save the local church on Thursday afternoon, fainted with shock when young Josh turned up 24 hours later with a signed petition with 1,000 names on it!

"The guy is just amazing. With him getting involved with our campaign, it probably can't fail. The guy is just pure gold. I just can't wait to see what he's like with a football at his feet," Mitch sighed.

Josh's teacher, Mr Harris has joined in the praise of the gifted wonder when he says, "His school work is horrendous, but what do you actually learn in school anyways? As soon as the bell goes, he's off. He just has a knack with picking things up, hence all the times he's helped tidy-up along the canal. Most adults are always looking for the quickest end to the job, but Josh just keeps on going until it's done right. Since October last year, he's raised over £110,000 for charities, just by being Josh! He's a local legend, and he's fixing my guttering at the weekend!"

When TheSpoof.com finally got to speak to the man of the moment, he was too busy, as he was shovelling tar onto the resurfacing of Graham's Road which is the busiest road in Falkirk. Drivers were getting really angry at the delay, sounding their horns and shouting quite aggressively. Things were getting quite heated, and it wasn't just the tar. As soon as the locals realised it was Josh, they all got out their motors to give the wee messiah a hand!

When the road was eventually relaid, Josh said he would only speak to us if we bought his mum, Lorraine, a new car.

Josh was politely told to: "Get Tae Fawkuurt"...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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