Crowds throng to beaches ... except Skegness

Funny story written by ExiledRoyal

Friday, 31 July 2020

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On Skegness Beach, death is a happy release

With the onset of record-breaking sunshine, the people of the UK have ignored Government advice, and have squeezed themselves onto overcrowded beaches.

St. Mawes in Cornwall (normal population 1000), recently voted Britain's Best Beach, has seen over 850,000 visitors in the past 24 hours. Many were unable to get out of their cars, they were parked so close. At one point, it wasn't possible to see sand for sunseekers.

Bournemouth Beach has been handing out free Covid tests, as people have arrived at their earliest convenience, and were coughing at one another by lunchtime.

But one beach has bucked the trend. Skegness beach has seen only four people and a dog in the last year. And, in fact, those four people are all Health and Safety Inspectors.

Inspector Mike Offsworse told us, "Skegness beach is officially Britain's worst. It gets precisely no visitors, largely due to the health concerns attached to it."

He pointed to a dead whale which had been washed up in the last week. "This is as good as it gets. Even whales are so disgusted that they deliberately beach themselves and die as fast as they can."

In a nationwide vote, Skegness came bottom with a 44% disapproval rating. "It's not that 44% of people said that they would come. Those 44% of people are just the ones who bothered to reply. Most said that it should be avoided at all costs."

The consequence of this, is that Skegness is the one town in the UK with no instances of Coronavirus.

"That's a fortunate thing for Skegness," said Mike Offsworse. "To have Covid on top of a Bubonic plague which is completely out of control would kill the town off completely."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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