It's finally happened. The expectation that there would be a resurgence of the Covid-19 epidemic has begun, and Prime Minister Boris Johnson has appeared on lunchtime television to announce further confusion for the public.
In his well-rehearsed staccato voice, machine-gunning the public from the Downing Street podium, he told viewers that what he'd always said he was saying, he was saying again; namely that the virus is still out there.
"It's ... still there. Like I ... said," he said. "Consequently I'm ... going ... to get ... really batey ... with it."
"First, haircuts and golf. No haircuts except ... on the golf course. In order to keep the virus ... under control. And you can meet your Mum ... to play Monopoly on the golf course ... but you cannot play cards. Dads cannot go until at least ... November 7th."
"If it's sunny ... you have to stay at home, except ... if you're queuing on the M3 ... on the way to Bournemouth ... which is in Hampshire. And exercise on the hard shoulder ... is acceptable after 11am. Picnics can be shared ... between Mercedes and BMW drivers only. No Fiats."
"People will be expected to ... make up their own slogan ... using three memorable words. Sound-bites drive our message very effectively. So I suggest those three words ... will be chosen from what you did ... in the past 10 minutes. 'Sandwich - Shit - Gin."
"Eat less ... lose weight ... use the extra Maccie-D voucher we sent you. Never say that this Government have done nothing for you."
Chris Whitty, Chief Medical Officer (CMO) for England, had been standing next to the Prime Minister for the entire time, but had been warned not to say anything by the PM. "You're there to add ... gravitas ... but no content," Boris told him publicly.
"Now that's clear ... I'm off for a Furlough Merlot. Good luck."
With that, he shambled off, followed a moment later by a sobbing CMO.