Government scheme to promote cycling for health stumbles at first hurdle

Funny story written by ExiledRoyal

Tuesday, 28 July 2020

image for Government scheme to promote cycling for health stumbles at first hurdle
Red means 'Go'

A government scheme offering £50 bike repair vouchers will launch in England on Tuesday, as part of plans to boost cycling and walking. It comes after the government launched its obesity strategy on Monday.

Grant Shapps, currently on holiday in Spain, told us, "This is a great way to get the public back in shape. Can you imagine, hundreds of people darting here and there, working off their Covid corpulence?"

Apart from the £50 to encourage people to get their bikes roadworthy again, the AA has called on the government to provide extra funding for eye tests.

Mike Arsbroke, AA spokepersonnage, told us, "It's not really about whether people can see clearly. Mostly it's about training people regarding colours. Particularly about the colours red and green. For some reason, people on bicycles have absolutely no concept of those colours when out and about."

He pointed out that " ... a red light means 'Stop'! Wait here! Do not pass Go! Green is Go! I mean, how much clearer could it be? Ignorant tossers."

Harold Derailleur-Gears, Secretary of the 'Actually We Do Own The Road' Bicycle Club of Great Britain, responded by saying, "We see traffic lights as suggestions. It's worked for us so far, and we have absolutely no intention of changing our habits. Now, where's my fifty quid?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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