Boris Johnson has pointed the country to some alarming statistics regarding the health of the UK.
At a Press Conference held at the Lardy Gym in Paisley earlier today, Mr Johnson said, "More than 60% of adults in the UK are overweight or obese according to the latest data. Diet is a key factor in staying healthy and minimising your risk of Type-2 diabetes and heart problems."
This reporter says that it was actually quite hard to understand Mr Johnson, as he was 10 minutes into a Treadmill workout, and was blowing like a Minke Whale.
"Clearly," he puffed, "this kind of activity can't be good for anybody. But, ooof, on the other hand, ahhh, people need to lose weight."
Half an hour later, he had finished his workout, and was nearly in a fit state to address the press.
"We know that diet should be the way forward. Diet and exercise. But we in the Tory Party are nothing if not pragmatic. Diet and exercise can never work. Which is why we're intending to make Crystal Meth available at all Justabout-Eat Outlets, free with meals over £10. It's a foolproof way of making sure that local eateries are kept running, whilst the general population lose kilos in weight, and also the majority of their teeth. No teeth, no pies. It's a win-win plan."
Moving south, Mike Okessnorted, Crystal Meth producer in Fazakerly, Liverpool wheezed, "We're dead excited ter be able ter bowl legit and produce E-blewdy-nuff crystal meth ter affect de oole o' Merseyside. Made up ter ellp de government out ."
A government advertising campaign begins tomorrow with blanket ITV coverage, "Eat what you want ... you won't remember it anyway."