Professor of Trade flown into deep-end for Love Island Experiment

Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

Sunday, 2 February 2020

image for Professor of Trade flown into deep-end for Love Island Experiment
A cliff earlier

Professor Gordon McTremble, a Trade big wig from the University of Chesil Beach, was sworn into the Love Island nest, so that he could teach his fellow captives, the intricacies of the trade gravity model, the differences between tariff and non-tariff barriers, how rules of origin work in free trade agreements, and the way that the mutual recognition on conformity assessment operate between third countries and large trading blocs, such as the ASEAN Free Trade Area.

Gordon, trying to impress, paraded around in worryingly large rubber lederhosen. He was paired with Tracey Stodgebiscuit, a Spoon Heritage Officer from Canvey Island. Her initial reaction to the lederhosen, was whether they were "wipe clean". Saucy indeed.

During the date, and whilst Gordon tried to regale Tracey with stories on the World Trade Organisation's Appellate Body, she suddenly piped up with "oo's this aperlate feller? He sounds like the Welsh bloke who prodded me by the bins outside Basildon Asda".

The next day, Gordon set up a puppet show which enacted the fourth round of trade talks between Mauritius and China, represented by Ambassador Usha Dwarka-Canabady of the Mauritian delegation, and Deputy Director General, Ministry of Commerce, Mr Hu Yingzhi of the Chinese delegation.

During the reenactment, a rogue voice from fellow Love Islander, Derek Carshalton, a Ghost Salesman, queried whether the agreed reduction in tariffs on over 8,000 product lines would increase the trade between the two countries. Gordon replied that "yes, it would. Tariff reduction, along with a clear process in handling sanitary and phytosanitary goods could boost gross domestic product for both countries by up to 1.3% over 10 years".

In the following melee, Kerry, a fish wife, and a bit common, outlandishly shouted "cor, that Chinky bloke has got a big knob"...Casual racism is alive and well, it seems.

ITV bosses had hoped that Gordon could boost the IQ to those involved to double digits, but apart from the noise that erupted from Derek's larynx, it was a hopeless exercise. Later, Gordon decided that rather than face his peers, he would rather jump off a cliff.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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