Police have been investigating frequent chatter coming from Derek Clyne's cave in Yorkshire.
Police were wandering around the abode, and were shocked to discover a hole between two chambers, which was only reachable using a step-ladder made out of dogs. Clyne, the former lead singer of the infamous 70s and 80s shock rock band "Big Trumpet", had the tendency to offend numerous moral-baters with his insistence on trying to smoke a horse on stage.
After hearing cries from the hovel in seven-second bursts over the next three years, the lazy neighbours did think about informing the naughty man to the authorities, but were apparently scared to ring the bell, as they believed that there were hitmen on several local roofs of nearby houses, who were ready to fire globs of moist, hot butter towards any of those who dared rumble his rouse.
A travelling nun broke through the virtual barricade, and rung the local library, warning them of the scary news, using two rusty, old tin cans. Clyne, who had wandered off at the time - was later hunted down after being found to be playing with a drain cover in a nearby street.
After the raid, a group of 17 grown men with massive chins, hummed their harrowing story to the local press, where they explained that they were often grappled from the hedgerows and tall trees of various small Hampshire villages.
They all claim that they were looked after incredibly well, but every third Friday, they were forced to dance with a number of cats, which inevitably lead to several deaths.
All the men later refused to return home, so they all decided to make a pact whereby they would live together on a farm, impersonating parsnips each and every day.