Squaddie runs amok in government think tank

Written by Johnny Shlep

Friday, 13 September 2019

image for Squaddie runs amok in government think tank
Lance Corporal Dell pictured in the stolen think tank

A 19-year-old soldier was being held in custody last night, amid reports that he stole a government think tank from outside a Ministry Of Defence building, before embarking on a trail of destruction across West London, during which the tank's weaponry was deployed and a number of ridiculous, unworkable ideas were strewn across the streets.

One woman, who was pushing a child in a buggy during the incident, looked visibly shaken as she revealed "I was just nipping down the shops to get a packet of fags and a loaf, when this huge government think tank came hurtling round the corner. It was clearly out of control.

"People were scattering all over the place, cars were being crushed and everything. I was absolutely terrified, I don't mind telling you, especially when a great shedload of paper came out of the top bit. Me and little Rhianna were almost drowned in proposed legislation for an extension to The Hangar Flyover."

Another witness, Dennis Mason, 67 from Pimlico, said "I've never seen anything like it, to be honest. One minute, I was taking a leisurely stroll along The Embankment, and the next, I'm being blitzed with guidelines on crashing out of the EU with no deal, along with documents outlining proposed legislation to control lap dancing premises. I could quite easily have been killed."

The man currently being held, Lance Corporal Toby Dell of the 2nd Battalion Queens Own Lancers, told arresting officers "I'm really sorry about all this. I've let myself down, and, worst of all, I've let the regiment and my mates down. I'd had such a bloody good skinful that I didn't know if I wanted a shit or a haircut, to be honest with you.

"I just saw the tank parked up with nobody standing guard, so I thought I'd jump in and drive it round to my girlfriend's house. We'd had a bit of an up and a downer earlier on, and I thought if I went round to hers in a think tank she might forgive me, and let me in for a brew and a bunk up."

Dell is due to appear at Bow Street magistrate’s court at 11.00pm this morning, charged with Reckless Endangerment and leaking classified information contrary to the Official Secrets Act.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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