Extreme Northerner Found in Cave on Cumbrian Border

Written by Johnny Shlep

Thursday, 12 September 2019

image for Extreme Northerner Found in Cave on Cumbrian Border
The extreme northerner pictured having a tab last night

A man, estimated to be in his 60s, who was discovered living in a cave on the Cumbrian/Scottish border, has been dubbed Britain's Most Northern Man, due to the traits he has displayed since being found by a woman out walking her dog last Tuesday.

The man reportedly communicates by emitting a series of grunting sounds, although he does have a smattering of English, occasionally uttering the odd word or phrase, such as 'now then', 'reet grand', 'where there's muck, there's brass', and 'I'll sithee'.

He is currently being looked after in a local council house where he has reportedly filled the bath with coal, and hung some flying china ducks on the wall.

According to reports, he will only eat large dishes of stew, which he drinks straight from the saucepan, and also Yorkshire pudding with thick onion gravy, along with the occasional helping of tripe and onions.

He has also reportedly asked to be given a ferret, which he claims he wants to put down his trousers, and also a whippet, which he says will keep him company while he watches 't' creeket on telly'.

A spokesman for the local authority told newsmen that the man will be kept in temporary accommodation until he's considered well enough to be released onto the Yorkshire moors.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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