Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

Written by Johnny Shlep

Wednesday, 4 September 2019

image for Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider
Larry pictured in happier times before he was eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told newsmen that, Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and eaten the creature in his bedroom during a 'midnight feast'.

Sir Tobias Dell, MBE, told reporters: "The PM has never been a cat-lover, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he'd arrived home.

"A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area, and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher's cleaver.

"He was sweating profusely and had blood spattered on his shirt and tie.

"He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

"After he'd gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

"Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I'm fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the poor creature's remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night."

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt the Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street, where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands, and wolf them down behind the gardener's tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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