Arm British dinner ladies with blunderbusses says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Written by Johnny Shlep

Sunday, 1 September 2019

image for Arm British dinner ladies with blunderbusses says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Controversial Conservative MP, Jacobs Rees-Mogg has proposed that school dinner ladies should be armed with 18th Century blunderbusses to keep children safe from, individuals he termed, "mountebanks, footpads, and ragamuffins" during school playtimes and lunch breaks.

Speaking to reporters last night, Old Etonian, Rees-Mogg, who has attracted criticism in some quarters, for what many see as his anachronistic views, said: "In light of what has been happening in the United States, it is my firm belief that every school meal supervisor should be routinely armed with a blunderbuss to deter any ne'er-do-wells from the lower classes who encroach on school property.

"My grandfather shot a number of council estate children with his fowling-piece while they were on a conducted tour of our country estate in Staffordshire in 1901, and they didn't come back in a hurry, I can tell you."

Rees-Mogg also hit the headlines last month when he proposed that pupils who were lagging behind their classmates in grasping Latin grammar should be soundly thrashed by the school bully in front of an open fire before being given hot barium enemas by Matron while reciting passages from The Iliad.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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