Middle-aged London man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen

Written by Johnny Shlep

Friday, 2 August 2019

image for Middle-aged London man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen
A spleen pictured last night

A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon.

Toby Dell, a married man and father of seven, told The East London Gazette: "It was against my better judgement, but when I saw the girl looking in my direction, I attempted a carefree and nimble hop onto the pavement to impress her.

I immediately felt this sharp pain in my lower abdomen, and collapsed to the ground with a ruptured spleen."

The newspaper managed to trace the girl concerned last night who told them that Mr Dell "Needs to grow up", and that, in her opinion, he was, "a fucking idiot".

This incident comes just a week after a 50-year-old man from neighbouring Bethnal Green was killed instantly as a result of head trauma, caused when he tried to vault over a car park railing in front of a group of teen schoolgirls.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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