Raynair to flog non-speedy boarders in the departure lounge.

Written by Johnny Shlep

Monday, 29 July 2019

image for Raynair to flog non-speedy boarders in the departure lounge.

Controversial budget airline, Raynair, has announced, that from January 1, 2020, all passengers who have not paid a speedy boarding supplement will be lashed to a wooden frame set up in the departure lounge and given 20 lashes with a cat-o-nine-tails, before they are allowed to pass through the boarding gate.

Passengers who lapse into unconsciousness will be dragged up the airline steps and thrown into the aisle, where flight attendants will rub sea salt into their wounds.

Raynair boss, Leary O'Michael, told reporters: "If these people are too bloody tight to pay an extra 50 quid on top for the convenience of getting on the plane first, then, I'm afraid, there's a price to be paid, and that price is a bloody good flogging. We're not a bloody charity you know!"

This latest measure comes just a year after the penny-pinching airline announced its controversial, 'Toilet Tax', which compelled passengers to be weighed before and after a visit to the lavatory, before a supplement was calculated based on the weight of the shit or piss that they had just jettisoned.

Raynair are members of The Unpleasant and Exploitative Flying Brigands League.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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