Pre- Menstrual Woman Killed Husband For "Inconsiderate Breathing" Court Told

Written by Johnny Shlep

Friday, 19 July 2019

image for Pre- Menstrual Woman Killed Husband For "Inconsiderate Breathing" Court Told
Mrs Dell poses for snappers after yesterday's hearing

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London yesterday claimed at The Central Criminal Court at The Old Bailey, that she murdered her husband with a butcher's cleaver and burned his remains in their garden chimenea, because he was breathing, in what she considered to be, an irritating and inconsiderate manner just prior to the onset of her menstrual cycle.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a housewife, and mother of five, wept repeatedly as she told the court: "His constant breathing had become intolerable. Even in bed, at night, he was at it. His chest kept rising and falling, morning, noon, and night. He gave me no respite, despite the fact that he knew my period was due.

"Eventually, I snapped and went for him with the cleaver. I then dismembered his body and burned him with some garden rubbish and bits of old junk mail.

"The people next door thought I was having a barbecue. It was only when one of their kids spotted my husband's legs sticking out that I realised I was in trouble."

Justice Mary Frobisher, presiding, gave Mrs Dell a conditional discharge and told her in her summing up: "No woman should have to endure what you went through, particularly at such a sensitive time of the month. Even though this court cannot condone murder, I am convinced that no right-thinking woman will bear any ill will towards you and that a custodial sentence would be totally disproportionate under the circumstances."

Mrs Dell left the court in a car with a reporter from Women's Health magazine, to whom she has allegedly sold her story for an undisclosed sum.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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