London Philharmonic Orchestra to become one-man-band following arts budget cut

Written by Johnny Shlep

Thursday, 18 July 2019

image for London Philharmonic Orchestra to become one-man-band following arts budget cut
London Phil pictured in rehearsal outside the Bow Seaman's Mission last night

The world-renowned, London Philharmonic Orchestra will be reduced to a single member in 2020 after the government yesterday announced stringent cuts to the arts budget.

The sole orchestra member - who will be known as London Phil - will have a big drum strapped to his chest, with a trumpet and a harmonica attached, and cymbals tied to the insides of both knees.

Phil will embark on a world tour early in the new year, when he will be performing in Berlin, Sydney, Paris and Madrid, before closing the tour with an appearance at The Royal Albert Hall in London.

His repertoire will include: The Rose of Tralee, Maybe it's Because I'm A Londoner and the theme tune from Doctor Who.

There are also plans for a short series of free summer concerts which will be staged in the tunnel leading to the northbound platform at Whitechapel tube station.

All the loose change tossed into his cap will go directly to The Arts Council, with a small gratuity for a cup of tea and half an ounce of Golden Virginia being taken by Phil on a daily basis.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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