Facebook man gradually developing murderous hatred towards 'thread stalker'

Written by Johnny Shlep

Sunday, 14 July 2019

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A 43-year-old man from Brighton in Sussex has told a local newspaper that he is slowly developing such an intense dislike for a man on his friends list who makes inane comments on his every post, that he now feels comfortable with the idea of murdering him in cold blood.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, told The Brighton and Hove Bugle: "Every single time I update my status, this bloke makes some sort of inane comment, often in the style of a character from a popular comedy show, such as Harry Enfield and Friends, or Dick Emery.

"Even when the subject is a serious political topic, this chump pops up with a puerile comedic reference.

"Last week, I posted that my mum had passed away and he showed up as Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show, and responded with, 'Bugger!"

"It was then that I began to realise that I could cheerfully hack this chump's head from his body with a blunt hatchet

"I mentioned this to my wife, and she told me she feels exactly the same way about one of her Facebook friends who keeps harping on about veganism, and how it's changed her whole outlook on life."

In 2015, a 56-year-old man from Sheffield was given a life sentence for shooting and then dismembering a fellow Facebooker, who kept posting pictures of his recent holiday with his wife and kids in Albufeira.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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