I miss being masturbated by Mary Berry says Bake Off's Paul Hollywood

Written by Johnny Shlep

Monday, 1 July 2019

image for I miss being masturbated by Mary Berry says Bake Off's Paul Hollywood
Great British Jerk Off? The saucy pair pictured during happier times

Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, has admitted that the one thing he misses most about ditching the BBC and moving to Channel 4 is being masturbated under the table by co-presenter, Mary Berry.

Hollywood, 47, told The Whelk: “While I’m enjoying making the programme as much as ever, it’s not the same without having Mary masturbate me to completion during the off-camera moments, when Mel and Sue are walking around the tent chatting to contestants.

"She was a skilful and considerate masturbator, and would often add to my enjoyment by rubbing melted butter or a little cooking oil on my penis before pleasuring me under the table.

"There was only one slightly hairy moment when the camera panned back to where we were sitting during a Mel and Sue walkabout, just as I was about to blow my custard.

"Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to put her thumb over the end before I shot my cocoa all over the table.

"I’ve asked my new co-presenter, Pru Leith, if she’ll take the job on, so to speak, but she refused outright. She wouldn’t even give me a flash of her tits in the makeup room, the frigid bitch.”

Mary Berry gave a short statement to newsmen at her Surrey home last night: “My mother always taught me that when they want it, you have to give it to them, my dears."

The BBC denied that there was any wrongdoing yesterday: “As far as we’re concerned, Mary never once wanked Paul Hollywood off under the table. The cleaners never found any dried spadge on the floor, for one thing.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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