People who stand up before the train arrives at the station 'scum of the earth' claims report

Written by Johnny Shlep

Tuesday, 4 June 2019

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A survey released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth.

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people, and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for The University of Westminster, who carried out the study, told newsmen: "Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop, is beyond me.

"Our report labels them the scum of the earth, and worthy of infanticide - well, I would go further.

"In my view, there needs to be a root-and-branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains.

"The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

"If it was up to me, I'd lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight, so that they die of terror and hypothermia."

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that, although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or 'drag'.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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