Amazon workers' fury over timed masturbation breaks

Written by Johnny Shlep

Friday, 31 May 2019

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Workers employed by online retail giants, Amazon, have reacted furiously to the company’s latest directive which stipulates that every employee has to adhere to a strict two-minute limit when masturbating in the workplace, whether it be in the toilets or a dimly-lit area of the warehouse.

One man we spoke to, Toby Dell, 32, who has worked at the Whitechapel depot in East London for the past 6 months, told us: “It’s absolutely outrageous. Who could possibly masturbate to completion in two minutes?

“I sometimes manage longer than that when having actual sex with my girlfriend, for God’s sake!”

Dell’s female co-worker, Tracy Carter, 19, was also incensed by the new measure: “Two minutes? I’d barely have time to pull my knickers down and get my Tom Hardy pics out.

“When I was working in Boots in Oxford Street, our supervisor used to give us 5 minutes to clear our tubes, although she did bang on the toilet door if we went over our time.”

A spokesperson for Amazon said last night: “We believe that two minutes is more than generous, and the company has no plans at present to amend this directive.

“If people don’t like it, they will have to blow their custard before they leave for work in the morning, or rub themselves against the conveyor belt until they shoot their bolts.”

This latest controversial, time-saving move comes just 6 weeks after the company stopped people from having time-consuming bowel movements at work by making them push rubber bungs up their bottoms before each shift.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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