Man "pumped full of Mayonnaise"

Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Horror overtook shoppers in an Altrincham ASDA, where a man slipped on a discarded Plum, and skidded head first into a pallet of Mayonnaise.

For the next twelve minutes, the man, a local embalmer, Toby Lion, was encased in the pallet, and with no escape, started to ingest litres of ASDA Value Mayonnaise.

Fellow plodder, Miriam Rambler, was seen flailing towards Mr Lion, where she launched tub after tub of Lard at the poor man.

Store manager, Barry Turing, tried to stop the frenzied attack, but was left helpless at Ms Ramblers actions. Afterwards, he added "she was a slippery customer...she threatened to attack me with a yard of Burgers, so fearing for my own sanity, I beat a swift retreat".

Greater Manchester Police soon turned up to the scene a number of hours later, after spending a training day, learning how to Yacht.

Sadly, Mr Lion was pronounced dead at a hospital, after drowning in the stuff, but luck was in store for local Kebab shop owners, where they were duly offered cheap Mayonnaise by doctors.

During a charity drive, Mr Lion's family announced that they would be offering Toby's body to the local council, so they could use it as a makeshift bus shelter.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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