Men Gutted as Womens Football set to become professional

Funny story written by Not The Nine O'clock News

Monday, 1 November 2010


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With no men to moan at, Womens football field grows at an alarming rate.

Noted for their ability to multi task, women now have chance to prove it even more as news filters through that a new LADIES FOOTBALL SUPER LEAGUE is to be planned for 2011.

Not content with an easy life of looking after the family, holding down a full time job, cleaning, cooking, ironing, making tea, talking bollocks on the phone for hours, Women now have chance to add to all this and grab some attention they all crave off their husbands, by becoming professional footballers.

The new super league will kick off in England in spring 2011 with 8 Clubs in line to grab the inaugural Ladies Premier League Trophy. One of the favourites to win the trophy are ARSE'N'ALLTITS Ladies, whose striker Jill Ikethistop was embroiled in scandal following allegations of sleeping with an Escort, behind her hubbys back. A move which saw her near triple her salary of £90 a week to £250 a week. Other teams included are, CHESTer Titty, Bristols Academy, MOANCHESTer TITTY, CHESTerfield, G'ingham, Tottenham Hot Flush and Queens Park Whingers.

Womens professional spokesperson, Carrie Oakey said in a right old strop "About bloody time too!! MEN! HUH! lazy, cheatin, violent, smelly, filthy animals who can't take their drink.... still you can't beat a good stiff cock every now and then though."

Fans of Englands top Club Manchester United, spawned a new ANTI MALE FOOTBALL GROUP dressed in Pink and White Fluffy Scarves with matching Bobble Hat & Gloves, in a similar vein to the Green and Gold campaign.

Meanwhile over at Eastlands Grab A headline MOANCHESTer TITTY, not wanting to be outdone by their more illustrious neighbours, quickly assembled a team hoping to push for the 2012 league - "Whatever United offer, we'll double it, add some sugar & butter in and bang it in the oven for an hour. HAHA, only joking, 45 mins tops" said a spokesMAN

Meanwhile Men were at their grumpiest best as the news spread....

Jo Bloggs of Newcastle - "Ridiculous, we don't dare invade the kitchen when they're makin tea for us, so why are they stepping into our shoes, errrm boots, errrm high heels"

Jon Bloggs - "Who's gonna make me sandwiches for lunch while she's swanning off playing footy every week. Selfish Cow!"

Indian Raj Patel of Wolverhampton said it was racist - "Our women aren't even allowed to go out the house let alone play football, it's flagrant racism is this, I tell yer"

The new development has spurned some new interesting football products..

- Knee length high heel boots with replaceable winged panty pad for the shin.

- Fake bollocks attached to a pretty pink Jockstrap for that kick in the bollocks feeling.

- Low Cut tops and Mini Short Skirt Shorts accessorized with matching handbag and jewellery.

- There are some new laws & rules to enhance the game...

- Just like an elbow, if a player is deliberately caught by a Larger One Sided Floppy Breast, it's a yellow card.

- When arguing with the ref, any Lady Footballer not willing to at least discuss the situation for 2 hours, will be sent off.

- An hours half time brunch will allow for proper time to replace worn lipstick and runny mascara and will include a get together in the home dressing room where they'll have a glass or two of wine, a 0% low fat yoghurt and a lengthy chat about their feelings.

The plans will no doubt become reality when they've had chance to sort out childcare.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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