"Scottish referees are to undergo jabs of sodium penothane before games, and at half-time. This should hopefully eradicate the myth that the SFA, Masonic Lodges and the Old Bhoys network have collaborated to favour the Old Firm," a FIFA spokesperson claimed.
All football club managers outside of the Big(ot) Two welcomed the moves, which will see the referee (and officials) hopefully being impartial for a change.
The ex-Dundee United and Scotland manager, Craig Levein, has backed the plans, after referee Kenny Clark 'honestly didn't see' the Rangers buck-toothed Carlos Cuellar lift United's Christian Kalvenes up in the penalty box as he was clear on goal, and throw him harshly to the ground, way back in the 2008 CiS Cup Final. He's been furious ever since.
A Fans spokesperson claimed it was far too little, far too late.
"We feel the refs have looked down on the diddy clubs for too long. This will hopefully put the boot into the money-grabbing, faceless, corrupt, secretive, 'jobs for the boys', elitist, fascist cheats, which is the Scottish FA."
No-one at the SFA was available for comment, but Dennis Law, Sir Sean Connery, The Lisbon Lions, Rod Stewart, Derek Johnstone and Billy Connolly, who were all off on an official SFA Junket to Paris, said referees are nice and kind, anyway.
The First Minister, who was unfortunately unable to join them in Paris, claimed there was no proof of any jiggery-pokery, and if there was any truth in an envelope full of money being passed to officials, she'd look into it.