Arsenal fans were last night delighted to be given the Charity Shield, which is just a big silver platter of sandwiches filled with the usual egg and cress, coronation chicken, spam and corned beef.
Once that platter was finished, they moved onto the main course of scotch eggs and sausage rolls, then a pudding of jellied eels and ice-cream. One onlooker said it was like a huge frenzy of pigeons surrounding a discarded bag of crisps in Trafalgar Square.
"Dat lot have obviously been starved of success for a wee whiley..."
A raging Jurgen Klopp, who stormed from the pitch after the game, came back to apologise, and said that the FA had eventually relented, and given his Liverpool team some vouchers for McDonalds to get back up the road.
"I'm delighted with the vouchers, otherwise we may have had to sell one of our black players to get something to eat. Normally, we'd have done that no problem, but we have all this 'Black Lives Matter' political stuff in the media to consider. We'll just have to make do with some memorabilia we stole from Wembley Stadium. It'll all be on Ebay tonight!..."