Ubiquitous headline-hogger and part-time footballer Harry Maguire revealed his horror at hearing that he had contracted the deadly disease AIDS.
"It was awful," said the famous celebrity. "All these magazines were saying that I had AIDS, but it wasn't true. Obviously, they only did it to get attention. I've never so much as touched a toilet seat."
Maguire was angry at not just the AIDS rumours, but at all the publications which have repeated salacious headlines about him. "It's so boring to read them. And they're all shit!"
He said that he hopes never again to read about himself in a newspaper, magazine or one of those satirical websites that nobody ever looks at.