Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 15 January 2007

image for Monty To Concentrate On Second Place
Colin - Close, but no cigar

Golfer Colin Montgomerie is almost ready to believe he will never, ever, EVER win a major title.

The Scot, now 79, feels he is past his best, and knows it would take a miracle, as well as a total withdrawal of all other players from a tournament, for him to scoop first prize.

Fatty, whose favourite club is Club Sandwich, is still haunted by the memory of his 2005 US Open defeat at Winged Foot.

Playing with legendary Fijian, VW Beetle, he had to wait 45 minutes for his partner to locate a wayward drive on the 18th and, as the minutes dragged on, he reflected on his "inability to win". Although at that point, leading by six shots, when Monty came to play his shot, he hooked it into the hospitality tent, killing Beetle's wife outright.

During the ensuing 2-hour delay, Montgomerie crumbled, eventually taking 51 shots on the final hole, to finish last.

It was a disaster, especially when it was later discovered Mrs Beetle was pregnant with twin Fijilets.

These days, Monty plays less competitive golf in a bid to handle his stress better. Recently though, when challenged to a round by an "obnoxious young twat" at his local club in Toxteth, he succumbed to taunts and let his guard slip.

"We were coming up the 18th, and I was leading by about 20 strokes. As I'm about to hit my second, a three-iron, to the green, he blows a raspberry. I slice the ball wildly into some bloke's back garden, and through his patio doors into his living room. The lie was tricky, and I ended up demolishing most of his house.

"I'm just not having much luck."

The British Open starts whenever it starts, and Colin Montgomerie will not win it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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