Written by Will Offit

Friday, 12 December 2014

TALLAHASSEE - In 2012, Winston was accused of sexual assault by a female student. The medical examination showed the victim had injuries indicative of sexual trauma; in addition, the victim identified Winston as the attacker. However, the Tallahassee Police never obtained a DNA sample from Winston, did not interview him, nor attempted to acquire the video of the assault by Seminoles teammate Chris Casher. As a result, a 2013 investigation by the State Attorney concluded that there wasn't enough evidence to file charges against Winston.

Meanwhile, Winston tries to cope with the harsh realities of the allegations.

"It's rough, man. People only see me as 'the rape guy.' Even though I never got charged for assault," said Winston.

"It's like what I do on the football field doesn't even matter anymore."

In April of 2013, Winston walked into a Publix store, took eight Alaskan King Crab legs, and then walked out without paying.
Once again, Winston is in trouble. He will have to pay a fine and provide multiple hours of community service. In addition, the entire criminal misdemeanor was captured on film.

"Wow, what a buffoon I was! That was some boneheaded thing I did, whoops!" laughed Winston.

"Now that right there is an embarrassing incident. That's something I bet people will never let me live down. 'Look there's Jameis, the crab leg guy!' That's what they will call me. 'Hey Crab Legs, I sure liked that spiral you threw on Saturday. That was great blitz identification you had on second down!' That's what people will say to me."

At press time, Winston was found scotch-taping pictures of his face photo-shopped on a crab around Florida State's campus.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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