Spirulina Is Soylent Green

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 22 June 2019

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Cemeteries are no longer as full as they once were

Food technicians in California, working on research into health supplements, have unearthed what they say is worrying evidence that Spirulina, a cyanobacteria, or blue-green algae, previously thought to have been composed of protein, carbohydrates, fats, and sodium and potassium ash, actually contains something very different - human remains.

Spirulina also contains most of the vitamins and minerals that are required to maintain balance and well being, and all the essential amino acids. It meets all of the international food quality and safety standards.

Health clinicians have regularly described it as the 'complete protein'.

Users of the supplement have given favorable reports. Barbara, from New Jersey, said:

"My whole body feels a rush of energy within minutes of consuming it!"

And Jennifer, in Miami, told us:

"I've never felt so alive! It's like I'm a different person!"

But the investigators at the Charlton Heston Institute of Scientific Advancement, part of the University of California's Berkeley campus, have said that they have found traces of powdered shinbones and shoulder blades in the make up of Spirulina, and claim that there can be no mistake whatsoever that the green supplement is made from dead human beings.

Doctor Nick Testosterone, of the FDA advised us:

"This supplement is chillingly similar to the one investigated by Frank Thorn and Solomon Roth in 1973. The matter was hushed-up then, but we can't allow it to be hushed-up any longer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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