Adolescent sex can stunt growth and spark depression, according to study on hamsters

Written by ExiledRoyal

Wednesday, 16 November 2011


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Your furry 'friend'

If you're looking for ways to put your adolescent children off having sex try this one: "It'll stop you growing…"

Scientists claim teenage romps can also spark depression and autoimmune system conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome. They suspect the problem arises because "the activity occurs when the nervous system is still developing".

Not that your teenage kids will listen to such a warning. And they're even less likely to take any notice when they find out the research was carried out on HAMSTERS.

Professor Mike Utegerbil told us, "In youth sex is a 'stressor' and sends the immune system into overdrive. Later in life sex becomes predictable and boring, particularly when you run out of people to think about whilst you're boning your wife."

Prof. Utegerbil also offered, "This problem of adolescent sex is exacerbated when hamsters are actually incorporated into the sex act, which is more common than you may like to think. I personally feel a judgemental attitude towards this practice is unfair. I mean, a woman can stick a tampon inside her and it's perfectly acceptable.

But if a man does it, with a hamster, suddenly you're, "immoral," "perverse" and "banned from Toys 'R' Us."

Critics of the work have commented that hamsters have sex for different reasons than humans, and therefore can't be directly comparable.

Dicky Stretchitt, of watchdog group 'Keep It Furry', argues, "It's a well-known fact that dolphins and humans are the only two animals that have sex for fun, although this has caused me to be banned from Seaworld."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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