It was another day, like any other in the bowels of Tripoli. Another coffee shop dive with tables occupied by the desparate, the heart broken, the insipid, the millipedes, the cockroaches... Spam was at the piano, playing tunes for the forgotten. I was behind the bar frothing a cappucino for a large Tunisian who was making me nervous taking up nearly two of my new bar stools.
"I say Dick, what...
Skoob was dead right, things had changed, the Gerbils were now everywhere and they were even bigger than before. One blocking our path up the stairs looked to be 800 stone. One turned towards us and it glared...right through my soul.
"They've got so many now, you can't move a milli-second without one having it's nose up your ass," said J.O., standing right behind me, "They re-engineered them, n...
The snow fell through the black soot in the air of the mean streets of East London. It was Christmas Eve, yet the only thought on my mind was this: Is it possible to de-clone a clone? I was in my usual melancholy self as I shuffled through the slush towards The Spoof.
I stopped on a street corner and stared at its dingy neon flashing light "The Spoof Writer's Pub", then underneath, "Members On...
Why wait until 2011 to review a song that was number 1 in 1963? Because I was only 2 years old then and since both my parents drank it was difficult for me to get my opposable thumbs working at the same time. Otherwise this would have been done much sooner! This song was written by two people, Bob Gibson and John D. Loudermilk, then recorded by George Hamilton IV.
First problem with this song...
(With apologies to the movie Taxi)
The Search for the One Star Bastard!
Fade In: A BEDROOM MIRROR REFLECTING MAIN CHARACTER
"You lookin' at my story?
Are you looking at my story?
I don't see anybody else here...
Are you lookin' at my story?
I can't believe you just one-starred my story...
You sick fuck...it hadda be you, cause I don't see nobody else here..
"Listen you blaggerts, if were to have a chance in the Tour De Pants, we have to have a strong leader here," said J.O. commanding everyone's attention, "Little A bitchy here has a nice bike, but when he hits the first Piereneese mountoon stage, he's gonna fold like a saab air bag."
"What are you suggesting then?" asked Jean a little taken aback by the comments about his abilities.
As Seaton, J.O. and Birbee settled in next to their fire, their strange array of transportation did not go unnoticed by neighbouring campers.
"Get a load of the "Scottie Dogs", said Jean Le Fete to Morse and a Catholic Priest they'd picked up hitch hiking.
"Now, now, young fellow, bless-ed are the....Damned short term memory loss! Alz....something or other, terrible, can't remem...something...
...Just then a cell phone rang in Edward's shirt pocket. He took it out and held it to his ear. A loud inhuman shriek pierced the air as he held it away from his ear, followed by an explosion. He looked at the screen to see the number.
"That's her number..." said Edward.
"What was that?"
"The scream was her, the explosion? God only knows, might be the local ammo dump getting hit by Mogamb...
God it stunk to be in Tripoli with NATO bombs falling daily now. The Catatonic Bar was located near the port and thus had been spared thus far, yet there was the constant threat and badgering from Ghadaffi's swine, who all thought we should pay them not to bother us. The latest now lay in a dumpster out back when I discovered he was nothing of the sort, but a bastard friend of friend of a friend o...
It wasn't everyday they saw a pirate ship on the Thames, thought Jean Le Fete as he guided the Black Squirrel through yet another bridge. Jesus he thought, I'll bet Buddha didn't have to go through this crap.
"Depp! Where the bloody hell is Richards at?" yelled Jean, "We need a guitar solo so we can use the cloaking device, damn near to London now. Look sharp everyone, this isn't a bloody movie...
It was dark and stormy night. I shuffled into the Spoof Bar and Grill, depressed beyond belief. I was scheduled by Mark for a junket to Libya, Tunisia, Egypt, Bahrain, Yemen and then Iran, in that order. Each of course depended upon successfully getting a story without being killed before moving on.
Skoob filled my mug without waiting for me to sit on a bar stool. I sat, picked up the frothy mu...
Tripoli - Today MooMoo Gadafi ranted at Green Square. The Spoof's only African correspondent JO, who was sent because he can speak Indian English with an Australian accent, arrived in time to hear MooMoo and interview several hallucinogenic beings around him.
"I could've been a contender! I could've been someone! Instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it Charlie!" said MooMoo in the...
Somewhere in the bowels of a medieval nunnery...
"There, there now Marsha is a lovely name, so much better than Mark."
"But you don't understand sister Margo, I'm not cut out to be a nun, I'm an....I'm an..."
"Yes, go on my child.."
"I'm an evil internet Spoof magazine editor! There, now you know. I'm very powerful back in London you know, they all fear me."
"Oh my dear, you must no...
It felt to good to be true, though he could not see through the blindfold. A thousand fingers touching every inch of Mark's nude body.Then he was lifted through the air as if he were a feather. He felt something like silk slide over his feet up to near his loins. Then over his arms and head a garment settled around his mid-riff.
He felt it laced tightly, squeezing his abdomen...
Rap Music Version of the Gilligan's Island Intro Song:
Just sit it right back onna yer ass and your gonna hear a tale; a tail of an awsome trip
Started from a tropic port and Alien Planet Aboard two awesome ships.
The mate was an ex Pop Star, the Skipper use to play Golf, 5 passengers set sale that day on a lipo-suction tour
The weather started getting disturbed! The Ships all tossed the...
When Mark finally came to he was in a white room on a ornate white poster bed. Bright sun shone through huge gothic castle windows and glinted off of the padlock that held his ropes taught. A light fog hung just off of the floor, making the whole thing seem very dream like to him. The ceiling was easily 60 feet tall, with paintings of angels.
"Your awake," said a soft gentle voice, but he could...
Looking out the cell window Masterchev watched in amazement. #4 she'd hit the ground so lightly from her horse, it was as if the gravity didn't affect her the way it did the rest of us mortals. "Hmmmm," thought Masterchev, "mortals...portals,...gerbils?" There was something stirring in his mind, he felt different somehow, more powerful, yet he couldn't put his finger on it as he watched #4.
Wales- Masterchev was at the bar waiting for his favorite Wale's Ale. Skoob pulled the special lever, releasing the amber liquid from its specially made cask made from virgin teak wood imported from Thailand.
The two stared at the glass and regarded each other. Masterchev tried to think of the words to confront his sorrow as he lifted the glass to his lips. Jeanlefete had vanished over a month...
"She would never say...where she came from...Yesterday don't matter, if its gone.".....(the music in the Spoof Bar always had an uncanny knack for impailing one's feelings of the moment.)
I had spent several weeks, as we all had, recovering in a padded apartment next to Masterchev's and JOs upstairs at The Spoof. The Oracle had left us all in a state of chaotic, unimaginable madness. My head he...
Tattomein- "Go! Not go! Only to be in existence is a waste of space. Must follow to its' conclusion of logical" said Yoga to Luke and Leia Pissgum Skywalker as they fought their way into their starfighter suit and star fighter ship.
"I think someone's gaining a few killipgrims in their posterior side," chided Luke as he struggled with the seat harness."
"Oh shut up!" replied Leia as she pull...
Jean Le Fete gazed morbidly at the orb as it bounced towards his hotel. He thought fleetingly of jumping out of the window, perhaps he would awaken from this nightmare within a nightmare, within a....the phone rang.
"Meet me at the laundry chute," a familiar sultry voice said, the phone clicked.
"Merde!" he cursed and threw the phone across the room and he cursed at himself for being so weak...
Tatoomein - Today as the double son/daugter rose and got out of bed, siamese twins Luke Pissgum Skywalker and sister Leia Pissgum Skywalker decided to call on their Jedi mentor Yoga.
"Mocked you are, respect you are not, no more you fairest in all the land," chortled Yoga.
"But Yoga," replied Luke, "We defeated Lord Vapor and his merry men in green tights and we even destroyed a Yoko Ono con...
Sorry, you can't go back any further!
Name Calling Trump
Trump to Seek Re-erection
Donald Trump, Jr. Blames His Divorce on Obama
Who Will Replace Hope Hicks In The White House?
Clown Union Assures Trump He'll Always Have A Home With Them
Blue tits, lavender tits, silicone tits!
F.B.I. Deputy Director Andrew McCabe
Scamatology TV Has Resulted in Flood of New Visits to Orgs
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!