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Endangered Animals: Do They Realise They're Endangered?

Funny story: Endangered Animals: Do They Realise They're Endangered?

The animal kingdom: wild and wonderful, isn't it? Except when you're faced with a hungry tiger after you've strayed off the beaten path a little bit. Not so wonderful then, is it? Let's see you call it 'wonderful' then! But let's just say that we're just talking around the table in your local, out-of-the-way public house on a Sunday afternoon - or an evening - and someone brings up the subject...

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Madness Quiz. Are You Mad? Take The Test

Funny story: Madness Quiz. Are You Mad? Take The Test

Many people these days think that the term 'mad' can be used to describe someone that acts oddly, or unnaturally, or even in a way which is sometimes seen by others as funny, but the dictionary definition of 'mad' is somewhat different, and nothing whatsoever to laugh at. The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes it thusly: disordered in mind: INSANE and that, I think, sums it up nicely.

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Diarrhoea And Sickness - The Benefits

Funny story: Diarrhoea And Sickness - The Benefits

It's happened to all of us at some time or other - a screaming outbreak of diarrhoea and sickness after a seemingly pleasant night out around the town, or, if you're completely out of luck, during one. Terrible, isn't it? Diarrbolical, some might say. But it's not all bab news, and many people fail to recognise the hidden benefits of a bout of d and s. First, for example, there's the oppo...

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Nuclear Attack - What To Do In The Event Of One

Funny story: Nuclear Attack - What To Do In The Event Of One

When I was growing up in the 1970s, there was a lot of talk of Nuclear War. "The threat of Nuclear War is all around us", we were told, and the mere thought of it was enough to make you shudder with fright. In Hull, a leaflet was available entitled 'Hull and the Bomb', with lots of information about likely damage to the area in the event of such an attack, and the likelihood of survival - virtu...

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Deranged

Funny story: Deranged

This is a poem about going mad. Possibly about having already gone mad. I thought it up whilst on a bus, stuck in traffic in Bangkok. That city may have been a contributory factor in my downward spiral. Life, like the heat, is intense there, and an extended period of intensity can have an extraordinary effect on someone, particularly someone who spends a long time in isolation, away from anyon...

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Homos, Lesbos, Psychos, Weirdos, Paedos

Funny story: Homos, Lesbos, Psychos, Weirdos, Paedos

Homos, homos, everywhere, Can you see them? Without a care Trumped as 'normal' Don't stand and stare! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Lesbos, lesbos, everywhere Can you see them? They don't care Completely acceptable "Let's be fair!" Yeah, yeah, yeah... Psychos, psychos, everywhere Can you see them? Going spare Live and let live... If you dare! Yeah, yeah, yeah... Weirdos, we...

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Spoofomaniac

I've always drunk water EVER so cold And have done since I was 15 months old Afore that, kind Sirs, I'm bound to admit I was keen for a suck of me dear old mam's tit And sometimes, still am. Oh, please, Sirs, I beg you! Don't scold me! Don't chide! From your derision, 'tis true, I have nowhere to hide Don't hate me! Don't slate me! It's a lie! I'm not cheap! (Though it's true I once had...

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Writing On The Wall

Funny story: Writing On The Wall

I'm the cat amongst your pigeons I'm the writing on your wall I'm the black sheep in your family No, I don't fit in at all I'm the sight that raises eyebrows The cause of nervous coughs The fly in soup and ointment The cap that's never doffed It's me! The spanner in the works The dust speck in your eye When everything seems out of sync You know that I'm nearby I'm the scalpel lef...

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Ode to an Ex

Funny story: Ode to an Ex

Hag, slag, you filfy old bag! Your minge is a sewer, your titties, they sag You can't call me squeamish, but I had to gag When I saw your pug-mug in that tacky slut mag Your 'friends' they all hate you, your pimp is a fag Trundlin' along in his clapped-out old Jag Your looks, about which, no cretin would brag Ho', that no right-minded being would shag Explanation for this...

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Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Funny story: Corn Flakes Box Doorstoppers: How To Make One

Here we are again with the latest in our How To Make One series, and this time it's something extremely useful, and also muchly cheap! If you've ever needed something to keep the door ajar on hot summer days, you're in luck, because my latest idea is the Corn Flakes box doorstopper. First, you need an empty Corn Flakes box. Size doesn't matter, but, if you really want to impress the neighbou...

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The White Stuff

Funny story: The White Stuff

I like milk, I'm inclined to say, And I drink it keenly, ev'ry day One me Corn Flakes, in me tea, Sans milk, the same, it would not be Does the milkmaid, on her stool Know the bliss she brings this fool? Udder clenched - then, without fail The white stuff spurts into her pail! And then the milkman, on his float Provides according to Mum's note Chilled and pure as driven snow The mil...

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Leave Them Alone

Funny story: Leave Them Alone

Ants, ants, ants They're not very nice Weird little bodies Creeping, crawling, swarming But they're all 'people' If we go back far enough They can't help their nasty habits So leave them alone Bees, bees, bees They're not very nice Black and yellow Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing But they're all 'people' If we go back far enough They can't help their nasty habits, so leave them alone...

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I Feel Like A Bird

Funny story: I Feel Like A Bird

Here's a poem I writ when I was a bit fed up. I feel like a bird Moved to fly, or to try So high, in the sky (Or to die) And to detect a big, fat juicy worm With my beady eye I feel like a bird Special thing, on the wing For a fling, I would sing Like Evelyn Champagne King That incomparable sexy soul diva Ring-a-ding-ding! I feel like a bird And, in truth, a bit grim Hardly tr...

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So Many Ties!

Funny story: So Many Ties!

I hadn't really noticed It just crept up on me How many ties I've purchased More than thirty-three In fact, thirty-four How many neckties do I need? I've only got one neck! It really does border on greed My mate said "Flippin' 'eck!" Or something 'similar' They really do look smart though, As I knot them up real neat Stood in front of bathroom mirror With the help of my two feet...

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I Want To Be An Arab

Funny story: I Want To Be An Arab

I want to be an Arab And wear a flowing robe With a beard down to my ankles From my ear lobe I want to be an Arab And chat all day and night On a mat that's facing Mecca, or wherever They direct that shite I want to be an Arab They love a drop of wine! Downside: no bacon, sausage or pork chop They're forbidden to touch swine I want to be an Arab Have my women walk behind Whilst...

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A Treehouse: How To Make One

Funny story: A Treehouse: How To Make One

Ever thought you'd like to live the outdoor life? Ever wondered what it would be like to live under the stars? Ever considered building a treehouse? Good, I hoped you say that! I've never built one, or even been in one, but how hard could it be? The first thing, I imagine, that you need to build a treehouse, is a tree. Without one, the idea just won't work. I was going to say "the proj...

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Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Funny story: Snooker Match-fixing: What's Wrong With It?

Snooker player, Stephen Lee was recently found guilty of match-fixing in what officials called "the worst case of snooker corruption we've seen". His penalty was a 12-year ban, even though snooker's governing body had pushed for a life ban. The length of the sentence, however, had already been fixed earlier. Lee, 38, had denied the allegations which concerned seven games in 2008 and 2009, in...

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Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 2: Am I Going To Die?

Hello again everyone. I have in front of me a letter from a concerned patient, worried sick that he might be 'terminally ill'. Now, as you know, death is not a trifling thing, and is certainly not something we should be making fun of, but it happens to us all in the end, and we shouldn't be afraid to die. That's what I tell my patients if I think they are going to snuff it, anyway. The l...

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Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

Funny story: Dr Kenwood's Worst-Case Scenario Casebook # 1: Ants

I'm often contacted by patients who ask the strangest questions - some of them of a mediacl nature, some of them not - but I always endeavour to answer all of them impartially, and without prejudice, even when I know that one has been sent by a Paki. Now though, as I near the end of my medical career, and I'm in need of extra funds to keep me going through my twilight years, I considered that s...

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Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Funny story: Fat Birds - Have They Got It Right?

Overweight females - they're horrible, aren't they? Flabby, unkempt, stinking and sweaty armpits, sagging breasts and with puffed-up faces like hamsters with a stuffed pouch, just some of the undesirable attributes a fat bird can claim as her own, as she sidles along through her sad life munching Mars Bars as if they were going out of fashion. But wait just a minute. Before we go judging these...

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The Dog That Talked

Funny story: The Dog That Talked

The Dog That Talked It really was a miracle I just stood and gawped Left paralysed and speechless When I met the dog that talked He asked me many questions For hours we just walked A scholar, statesman, acrobat He was the dog that talked Times were hard, I saw my chance, This novelty I hawked, Customers would queue for miles, To pat the dog that talked! After we were married,...

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Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

Funny story: Philip K. Dick: A Glaring Omission, I Believe

The other day I was reading from a collection by the noted science fiction author Philip K. Dick. The collection included stories such as The Minority Report, Paycheck, Impostor and a lesser-known short story called What The Dead Men Say. It is with regard to the latter that I write today, and about which I would like to pose a question to Mr Philip K. Dick. Now, I know as well as anyone else,...

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