Showing articles written by NickFun.

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I Promise My Toothpaste Won't Explode

Funny story: I Promise My Toothpaste Won't Explode

Recently I was on a flight from LA to Chicago. Without thinking, I brought my large tube of toothpaste. It made it through checkout at LAX with no trouble. I brought it to Chicago, happily brushed my teeth with it several times over the course of four days and all was right with the world. However, on the way back, a sharp-eyed security man at O'Hare saw the monstrous tube. "Sir, we must take t...

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Fertilizing is Against the Law!

A few months ago I was driving along the 101 Freeway From Los Angeles to Santa Barbara enjoying a fine cigar. It was late at night and I seemed to be alone. I saw the sign which reads: "Littering Punishable by a $1000 fine". I thought to myself, "that's a good idea. That will discourage people from littering and ruining this beautiful drive". At that time I realized my cigar had gone out.

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Why are Americans so fat?

Funny story: Why are Americans so fat?

I was at a McDonald's the other day for breakfast with a friend.

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Why I am not an advice columnist

Funny story: Why I am not an advice columnist

Occasionally I like to pick up the newspaper and read one of those advice columns that usually start with "Dear Amy" then the person describes his/her problem. Whenever I read the advice I always think "that's not the advice I would have given". I have abbreviated some of the questions and here are the answers I would have given:...

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Criminals are stupid people

I was watching an episode of COPS last week. The cop pulled this guy over for having a headlight out. The cop asks the man, "do you mind if we search your vehicle?"...

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I want to kill a Mockingbird!

Funny story: I want to kill a Mockingbird!

You see, unlike other birds, the mockingbird comes out at night - when I'm trying to sleep! It usually waits until I have turned my light off. As soon as I lay my head down it begins it's cacophony!...

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Deborah Jean Palfrey was killed by the Christian church and the US Government

Allow me to put down my usual pie-in-the-face for a moment. Deborah Jean Palfrey, whether she committed suicide or not, was killed by the religious right and the United States government.

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Wii SUCKS!!!

Funny story: Wii SUCKS!!!

I must be getting old - that's an expression I've always hated but it seems to be coming true! I played my first Wii game last week. I was dumfounded as to how "real-life" it was! I played Wii golf. It seemed just like real golf but without all that nasty fresh air, exercise and camaraderie.

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A child's letter to President Bush

Funny story: A child's letter to President Bush

Rarely am I so moved by the innocence of a child. But the letter below made me do some pondering and reflecting. Please read it with the same child-like innocence with which it was written:...

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At least he died doing what he loved to do...

This has to be one of the falsest, most overused expressions of all time.

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It's just violence!

We have very perverted ideas about what's "good" and what's "evil" in this country.

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Everyone's got a secret!

I just move into new home in Southern CA. It's a "Leave it to Beaver" type of community. As usual, the first thing I try to do when I move into a place is meet the neighbors.

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Too much stuff

I have a few very wealthy friends and it never ceases to amaze me how much stuff they have. But what amazes me even more is the amount of stuff they have that they will never use!...

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Buy our product or you will die!

We are a country dominated by fear. I just watched a TV commercial for ADT Security Systems. The commercial portrays a hapless victim describing how thieves had broken into his home and stolen all his merchandise. Then he spoke about what could have happened if he and his wife were home! At this point the viewer is forced to imagine some horrific scene of extreme bloodshed and mayhem! If we d...

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Is being gay a choice?

It seems everyone has an opinion as to whether being gay is a product of genetics, environment, biology societal conditioning or something else entirely. A beefy Republican friend of mine -- who claims to be "super straight" -- argues that it's a choice. He's totally anti-gay and brags about how much he hates gays. During our conversation I tried to be diplomatic with him, seeing...

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Why are people offended by porn?

I was on the Flickr Photo web site the other day with my lady friend. We stumbled upon a picture of a nude woman with her legs spread.

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The Wizard of Oz should be rated 'R'

Children should not be watching The Wizard of Oz. It teaches them all the wrong lessons! People are under the mistaken belief that Dorothy is the good guy, whereas, in reality, Dorothy is the bad guy!...

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Where do pens come from?

I just checked my desk drawer. I must have over a hundred pens in there. They seem to proliferate. Sometimes I think they actually breed! Every time I turn around I have a new pen in my pocket. The odd thing is -- I haven't actually bought one in at least 20 years!...

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I can't eat enough!

I went to an "all-you-can-eat" Chinese buffet yesterday. The whole thing cost only 4 bucks so I won't complain about the poor quality of the food.

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Why MUST I put the toilet seat down?

She won't put it back up for me! It seems every woman I have ever dated, lived with, or even met have this "thing" about putting the toilet seat down. It transcends races, religions, National Origins and cultures. It is one peeve that holds all women of the world together.

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People say stupid things

First I must say, I love my friends dearly. But some of them have a tendency to say INCREDIBLY STUPID THINGS!!!...

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I can't stand Bitches

I rarely refer to a woman as a "bitch". The only time I do so is when the woman desperately deserves it.

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Name Calling Trump

One thing about Trump, no one will ever call him simpatico!
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