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Deranged

Funny story: Deranged

This is a poem about going mad. Possibly about having already gone mad. I thought it up whilst on a bus, stuck in traffic in Bangkok. That city may have been a contributory factor in my downward spiral. Life, like the heat, is intense there, and an extended period of intensity can have an extraordinary effect on someone, particularly someone who spends a long time in isolation, away from anyon...

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The Upside to an Empty Fountain Pen

... But I digress. You asked me to tell you about the ink well. I guess if anyone today can tell the story I'm the one. I wasn't here when it was erected, nor here when it disappeared. But for reasons you'll soon hear, the ink well probably means more to me than most anyone else still around. So here's my story about the ink well. The ink "fountain," as some back then called it, was not a fount...

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The UK in 2050, post-Brexit

Funny story: The UK in 2050, post-Brexit

Berlin, 2050. My name is Herman Boring, German ambassador to the Britons. I recently returned from a mission to that remote island, and I was shocked at what I found. It was my task to try to re-establish contact with the people there after many years of self-imposed isolation. I had expected to see six-toed mutants and incestuous half-breeds living in a backward post-apocalyptic civilization,...

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The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges

Funny story: The Door Of Opportunity Hangs On Small Hinges

We live in a world where we always look for the big break, the big show, and the big crowds. Now let me say that bigness isn't wrong, bigness is great. But the amazing thing about life is that big things generally start from small things. Never despise the day of a small beginning. Your life was created from a very small cell. It's amazing to think that an atom can destroy a whole nation, that a l...

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The Angry Little Snowflake

Funny story: The Angry Little Snowflake

For the angry little snowflake in the White House, and all the angry little snowflakes who still support him. The angry little snowflake Sits and tweets his day away. He'll tell you he's no milkshake, His lack of taste on full display. The angry little snowflake Takes no crap from enemies. He gives as good as he can take, Between his infidelities. The angry little snowflake Curse...

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How to Deprogram A Trump Follower

Funny story: How to Deprogram A Trump Follower

Current event followers of U.S. news realize that no matter what President Donald Trump does, there is a core following of Trumps that will justify whatever he does. For instance, evangelical ministers excuse his infedelities. What causes this blindness to the truth? Experts are saying that it is akin to a cult following. For instance, what are the signs of cult worship? The first one is us...

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Millionaires given yet more trophies

This is a world where people get paid a lot of money to learn the words that other people write, wear the expensive clothes that other people design, and win awards that other people make, and a few thousand other people vote for. Yes, that's right, it is Awards season,again. With the Oscars, The National Television Awards, and Donald Trump's two new awards - The Fake News Awards and The Empty...

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I am Trump's Mistress

Melania, I never meant for this to happen, but I confess to you now, you deserve to know the truth. I am Donald's mistress. I'm so sorry. Like you, I saw the opportunity and I took it. I regret this now, but Donald won't let us stop. I wish I could tell you my name. I hope there aren't some hicks out there who could figure it out. You may want to get out in the nick of time, just hai...

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My Obit - if you want something done well...

I am really very uncomfortable with the idea that some hack at the Huffington Post or the local newspaper, or worse, some well-meaning friend, or an angry relative whom I left out of my will, will have the chore, or as the case may be, the joy of writing my obituary. As the saying goes, "if you want something done well, do it yourself." And after all, once your obit is done, it can't be undone...

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Mystery Surrounds Disappearance of Far Side Cartoonist Gary Larson

Mysterious was the disappearance of Gary Larson, the famed and beloved creator of the popular cartoon series The Far Side. One day a successful, widely popular genius behind one of the world's top selling daily cartoons, the next day missing without a clue. Conspiracy theories abound as to what became of him, but perhaps no one will ever know the answer. Witness accounts vary. His neighbor, Car...

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Kim Jong-Un Will Not Allow North Korea Christmas Unless He Can Be " Christmas Kim"

Funny story: Kim Jong-Un Will Not Allow North Korea Christmas Unless He Can Be " Christmas Kim"

Pyongang, North Korea In a move which surprised no one, Kim Jong Un announced that there would be no singing or drinking allowed on Christmas Day. There would also be no joy or happiness allowed on December 25. Most of the North Koreans figured it was just business as usual. But they found out how serious it was when new rules were posted: 1. First instance of singing or drinking would be...

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Lost Star Trek Episode Found - Sulu Socks It To Spock

Funny story: Lost Star Trek Episode Found - Sulu Socks It To Spock

Captain's Log Stardate 2265 - Sulu Socks It To Spock Captain's Log: Stardate 2265- Captain James T. Kirk speaking- The following disturbing incidents occurred verbatim as I have recorded them here below: At 18:45 and 33 seconds Caldushian time I was approached by Science Officer Spock with a report- Spock: Captain, I wish to discuss with you a disturbing development. Myself: Yes Spo...

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Oh little town of Bethlehem, why must thy children die? - A sad reflection on the Israeli/Palestinian turmoil

Bethlehem, West Bank. In response to violent Palestinian protests against President Donald Trump's decision to move the U. S. embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, Israeli tanks and other military units have moved into Bethlehem, resulting in several civilian deaths, including that of a young girl. The incidents, at Christmastime, cast a shadow over holiday celebrations. Above the din of exploding b...

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If Trump Only Had a Brain

Funny story: If Trump Only Had a Brain

Dorothy: What would Trump do with a brain if he had one? Do? Why, if Trump had a brain he'd . . . . He would while away the hours Conferin' with white papers And consultin' with his aides. And his hair he'd be scratchin' While solutions he was hatchin' If he only had a brain. He'd not waste his time on Twitter, Attacking every critter, In trouble or in pain. With the thoughts h...

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Ilsa's One Day Back on Earth

Ilsa stood before St. Peter, wringing her hands nervously. She had been reluctant to make the request, and now that she had, she worried that a denial would also come with a black mark against her name on the roll book. Surely her request would be viewed as something other than selfish. She only wanted to return for a day to bring some joy to her husband, not for anything that would primarily b...

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"No, Henry, We Won't Publish Your 'Liberty or Death" Op-Ed"

SUBJECT: OP-ED SUBMISSION: "LIBERTY OR DEATH" FROM: oped@Richmondgazette.com DATE: March 20, 1775 To: Henry@Burgesses.va.gov ---------------- My Dear Henry: Pardon my informality with regard to your name, but I am a recent hire here at the Richmond Gazette, having just arrived from New York where I was editorial page editor of The Times, [the New Amsterdam Times] and I am unfamiliar with...

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Trump Reshapes World

Funny story: Trump Reshapes World

After arbitrarily deciding to change the location of the U.S. embassy for Israel from Tel Aviv to Israel, Trump announced other changes to be implemented right away. "I will be changing the capital of North Korea from Pongyang to Seoul, where it should have been anyways. I am changing the capital of Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan to Moscow, because...

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Ivanka, We Need to Talk

Funny story: Ivanka, We Need to Talk

Ivanka, it's Jared. We need to talk. It's about your dad and this whole Russia thing. I can't do what you're expecting me to do. Flynn just turned himself in, and you know, I'm the one who told Flynn to cut the deal on the sanctions. Your dad made me. But now your dad says he can't recall that, and he's going to throw me under the bus. He promises a pardon, and says I will never go to j...

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Bitcoin Named Hottest 2017 Christmas Present

Funny story: Bitcoin Named Hottest 2017 Christmas Present

Forget cabbage patch dolls, Barbie, hoverboards and Gameboys. The hottest gift for 2017 is Bitcoin. Whether you buy an entire Bitcoin (USD $10,000 at press time) or the smallest of increments, every kid (and adult) wants this exciting stocking stuffer. Bitcoins are purchased on Coinbase, an exchange for cryptocurrency. You can download Coinbase easily on your iPhone, transfer cash by credit...

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Silver Bells and a Derringer

Funny story: Silver Bells and a Derringer

Silver bells at Christmas no longer have that same old ring to them, at least not for me. Especially a set of bells packed with a Derringer. Yep, that's right - a Derringer! The trouble began a month ago when my wife and I had another argument. Once again, she was complaining that I didn't spend enough time with her, give her enough attention, or consider her feelings - yada, yada, yada. She w...

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Why are conservatives so evil?

Funny story: Why are conservatives so evil?

It is a simple enough question - why are conservatives so callous and indifferent to the suffering of their fellow humans? They always want to cut taxes, which helps their rich friends and punishes the poor and needy? Now finally, a historian may have uncovered the answer. Professor Geoff History of the University of Oxford has revealed that conservatives are actually not human at all. They arr...

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Best States in the U.S. to Run For Office in If You Are a Sexual Deviant

Funny story: Best States in the U.S. to Run For Office in If You Are a Sexual Deviant

A new survey arrived out of Science Town today about the mood of people across the country on the subject of sexual degeneracy. They found that: 1. One of the best states for sexual deviants to run for office in is Alabama, based on the states's acceptance of Roy Moore admitted dalliances with underage females. 2. Another state that is good would be California, where the former governator, A...

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Name Calling Trump

One thing about Trump, no one will ever call him simpatico!
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