Simon Cowell's X-Factor television show is back on ITV for a ninth year running. The singing contest should probably have been cancelled about seven years ago.
The launch of the new series went largely unnoticed, and it has now reached the live shows stage, pulling in over nine viewers a week.
The list of talentless, non-celebrity, instant-celebrity egotists and wasters has not diminished. S...
What follows is an actual transcript of a telephone conversation that took place during a normal working day in an office in the UK.
It is a snap shot of the levels of customer services that can be expected from a typical British company.
Names and specific product have been changed to protect the guilty, and to further explain the frustration encountered by the person making the enquiry.
It's a fact.
The world is ending this year, or so say the experts who are pretending they can read the ancient texts of the Mayan people, that long ago vanished Mesoamerican tribe.
So, I thought it would be prudent to cover a few final points before the destruction of mankind. And if I can, help you survive it.
This is my 'How To' guide in how to survive the apocalypse.
Hold on tight,...
Hello, and welcome to this special edition feature of our popular series The Beginner's Guide.
Here we will attempt to uncover some of the myths and mysteries surrounding that most popular of holidays, Christmas.
Where did it originate, what's it all about and why is it so damned expensive?
These questions and a few more will probably be answered, or at the very least alluded to, in our 1...
Welcome one and welcome all, to the Beginner's Guide Part 6, everything you need to know about drinking.
Close the saloon doors behind you, pull up a bar stool and tip the barman a few coins, and we'll share a wee dram of your favourite poison whilst discussing the intricacies of the nations favourite pastime.
From the very dawn of time, man has sought to forget the foibles of the day, to er...
To some a pastime, to others a way to unwind from the stresses of the day.
And to other others it's a job.
Others still find sport a thing that 'other people do'!
But whatever it is, it's sport! A competitive, energy depleting activity, designed to get you fit, sweaty and worked up!
Here we delve in to ten things you need to know about all types of sport, so jog on...
Hello, and welcome to this special edition of our Beginners Guide's.
The chill of winter is upon us, and as those cold, misty nights draw in, so too does the fear of the dark.
Each year we celebrate Halloween, the time when the veil between that which is living and that which is dead is at it's thinnest.
All year we try our best to keep our children safe from the fears and scary reality o...
Hello, I'm Chester P Chester, and I'd like to talk, if I may, for a few moments about adverts.
I really do hate adverts. Not the ones in magazines or on billboards. No, they're ok. It's the ones on TV. I've just sat down with a nice bowl of chips and some ketchup and some bint comes on the box to tell me about her period. I DON'T CARE!!
Did you know that Domestos kills all known germs dead...
Hello and welcome to the fourth in our Beginner's Guide series.
In this edition we are talking about travel.
Since man could first walk, he has wandered freely, seeking out adventure and experience to broaden the mind.
From the classic family holiday to the trans-Atlantic business trip, travel has become a much needed part of the day to day dealings of the human race.
Whether you are p...
Due to the popularity of our 'Beginner's Guide' series, we have decided to print a selection of periodicals covering more specific subjects.
Currently in the making is our 'Season's' selection, and we will also be publishing certain topical items, the first of which is our 'Halloween' special. Look out for these soon.
But the first of our Special Edition's is devoted to Dorking. That histori...
A gift to the senses to be enjoyed by all? Or the elitist, stuffy domain of people with beards and dinner jackets?
With so much history and so many players involved, traversing the auditory minefield that is Classical music can be daunting to the seasoned veteran, let alone the humble beginner!
Well not any more! Not with our handy 10 point 'Beginner's Guide'.
The second part of our 'Beginners' series looks at the wide, and often confusing, world of religion.
From the very dawn of time, man has been seeking the truth's to many of the questions of his own existence. In his quest for knowledge and understanding he often turns to religion.
From the all powerful Gods that dictate how this great world was created to codes with which to live ones life b...
In the first of our handy beginner's guides, we delve in to the mysterious, and often mind-jangling field of space!
What is it? Where did it come from? Who, or what is in it?
All these things, and a few more, will be answered in our easily printable guide.
For the full on novice, or the more studied amateur, this top ten fact-file will impress and delight, enabling you to talk knowledgeab...
The Eternal Nature Of Surprise: A Poem Of Love, Lust And Shock By Desmond Bachaus
Deeply, longingly, you looked in to my soul.
Like the stars in the cool blanket of night, I watched the water sparkle and dance in your eyes.
You said I was the one.
You told me that you had never felt this way before.
I too, had never felt like this.
You took my hand.
Clasping my fingers in...
The tiny cogs whizzed around silently and unnoticed, moving the hands of the wristwatch in to place. It was officially brandy o'clock.
Earl Lazarus C Carrioncrow raised himself from his chair and bellowed "Langstaff? It is time...we must depart!"
With a clatter of silverware, a dishevelled butler appeared at the study door. "The Superior Modulator is primed and ready, sir."...
Eventually, many hours and beers later, they stumbled through the door of the Auld Post Office, and were confronted with the alarming sight of.................Nick Hobbs eating a falafel.
It was alarming because both Seaton and JO knew that the Auld Post Office didn't sell falafel, so where had Nick got it from?
"Hi guys!" said Nick, spitting falafel all over h...
"I think it's fair to say that personal computers have become the most empowering tool we've ever created. They're tools of communication, they're tools of creativity, and they can be shaped by their user."
William Henry 'Bill' Gates III.
An easy statement to make, I'm sure you'll agree, if you're worth in excess of US$56 billion off of the back of them.
I, a humble 'end-user', think Bil...
The year is 2014.
Many things have happened between now and then. Most of them not pretty.
Stan Grimshaw was ready. He had read all the books, seen the movies. He was prepared for any eventuality.
His friends told him he was mad for stockpiling every tinned foodstuff known to man. He spent hours pondering over each purchase, looking for the longest possible shelf life available.
He landed the job a few weeks ago.
Office clerk, it said in the advert. He was enjoying the atmosphere, and the people were nice. Far better than the packing job he had before.
And he always got a bit extra off for his dinner hour, well that's how he saw it, anyway, because they sent him out for the sandwiches.
It was a nice warm day, so he decided to take the longer route, through the pa...
The trees in Hyde Park rustled gently in the breeze.
It was a warm mid afternoon, and unusually there was not a hint of bird song in the air. No cars whizzing by. No horns, or general hum-drum from people passing by.
If you were stood in that park at that very moment, and believe me, you wouldn't want to have been, all you would of heard was the buzzing of fl...
"Mr Higgins, I presume" said Von Haelstrom, as he swept into the study, smiling widely and extending his long fingered hand in greeting.
"Very good to make your acquaintance sir," said Higgins, slightly taken aback and sheepishly accepting the handshake.
Being a country boy, he had never met a man of Von Haelstrom's soc...
Shards of sunlight pierced the make shift wooden shutters like long fingers, slowly moving, searching, sensing.
Ed sat on the floor, his cheek pressed against the cold wall. Chunks of plaster missing in huge divets, a sign of the previous nights battle.
As the beads of sweat formed on his brow he realised how hot it was in the city today. What day was it, he thought. What time? Date? Who kno...
Sorry, you can't go back any further!
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