Written by Daz McKinley

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Buckingham Palace has just issued a statement that Her Majesty The Queen intends to abdicate from the royal throne and to emigrate to Australia. Royal Press Secretary Sir James Faversham-Gainsborough-Kizzmeyarrz read the following statement prepared by Her Maj:

Philip and I have decided to stand aside and give our son Charles the opportunity to rule the British Empire. We've waited this long in recognition that between those rather massive ears of his lies a very small brain. There is virtually nothing left of the Empire since our tiresome overseas minions rebelled and violently threw us out or repeatedly beat us at cricket. This makes Charles' job that much easier.

After more than half a century on the throne, Philip and I are ready to throw in the Royal embroidered towel. Years of waving at crowds of riff-raff and pretending to like US presidents has taken its toll. We've also endured our family problems and it hasn't been easy watching our son ditch a gorgeous young woman adored by millions for some old, horse-faced bitch who nobody seems to like very much.

Despite his choice in women, Charles has proven himself a worthy successor to the throne. He has amassed 27 university degrees, admittedly every one honorary as he was too dumb to pass O-levels, and done a lot of travelling and dodgy business deals. We feel he can be a great King, with tuition and intense therapy.

We have always had a soft spot for Australians, especially after I met Paul Keating. So on February 6 2013, the 60th anniversary of my ascension to the throne, Philip, the Royal corgis and I will be packing up the palace and are moving to a small farm in Tasmania where we intend to grow vegetables, watch sport on Foxtel and walk the corgis in the bush.

We wish you all well in the coming years as you struggle to recover from the world banking catastrophe.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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