Written by pinxit

Not yet published


My attention has been drawn to your fora for a while now by incessant references to one of your members. Although, for a chap to have more than one member is somewhat rare - not to say greedy! I remember seeing a clip on 'Eurotrash' several years ago of a gentleman from Paraguay with two penises (penii?) who didn't know if he was coming or going!!

Swung both ways he did, rather like that 1980's 'Newton's Balls' executive toy. But with, um, cocks rather than balls. Painful if one gets the synchronicity wrong, the wangers going like the clappers and applauding themselves!!

Which reminds me, before I so rudely interrupted myself, of why I'm writing to you.

I'm intrigued by the numerous mentions of one of your members, viz a Mr Marvin Shuttlecock and a series of video skits he has made, which I gather have been attracting a certain amount of comment and controversy...

Are they perhaps - in the cause of artistic integrity - performed in the nude? If so, could you please point me in the direction I could find these videos?

Does Mr Shuttlecock have two penises as well, I wonder? And is he perchance related to another of the wonderful scribes in your stable, Mr Inchcock?

That's a lot of cock isn't it, hmmm?

We should be told, and thank you for asking,

Laidlaw Adyebongo (Mrs), Tring.


Hello flowers, trees and buzzy buzzy bees!

I saw a cock today and you know what? It's true what they say! It had a comb all the hues of the rainbow! Just like the comb I use to groom my unicorn!

Hugs and xxx, Pixie Peapod, Pendle, Lancs.

[Another lovely letter Pixie. Keep taking the medication. :) Ed.]


Dear Sir,

Re Mrs Adyebongo's missive re Mr Shuttlecake's foray into cinema verité.

I have perused said videos, including his most recent (featuring as it does a rubber glove, a plate of pasta and an absurdist mis en scene reminiscent of Alfred Jarry's fin-de-siecle masterpiece 'Ubu Roi') and have reached the conclusion that they are truly... works of art. A veritable surrealist mélange; a soupcon of Jaques Tati's 'Monsieur Hulot', a pinch of Rowan Atkinson's inspired 'Mr Bean' and a generous dollop of Bernie Clifton's 'Ostrich'.

A blancmange of the ouevre that finds itself on the cutting edge of comedic wit and Satresque edge-of-the-abyss existential suicide. I can thoroughly recommend it to Mrs A and all your reader!

Yours, etc,

Brian Ssssssssssssssssuell, Kensington-on-the-Mewssssss, London


Dear Sir/Madam,

Chicken shit! I - [You certainly are. Now fuck off. Ed.]

Lady Esmée Twatt Labradoodle, Canada


From @xander_johntwatbollocksshitson (via email)

dear editorfucktwatbollocksshit,

i'm in my last year of film & media twatbollocksshitfuck studies and have put together some short films like your martin bollocksshitfucktwat spaceshuttle. i would like to put myself in the frame to be a performer, narrator and shitfucktwatbollockscunt director should you be considering a 'dorking review: the movie' blockbuster in the near future. i've got all the twatbollockscuntshitfuck professional cameras, lighting, CGI apps and a degree, so i could light and direct your mr spaceshuttle so that he looks human, as well as the zombie appearance he presently carries off so bollockscuntshitfucktittytittyfart well.

i trust that my shitfucktitty credentials will commend myself to you, despite my arseshitfucktwatfannybollocks tourettes. xander.


Dear sir,

I feel that the present media hype surrounding 'The Dorking Review' book and its You-Tube promotional 'face', Mr Martin Shufflecock, while creating a cause celebre, should be tempered in the minds of your many thousand gullible readers by the reality check that they are purely fictional devices employed by your 'writers'.

To reiterate, neither the characters, nor the place exist in real life.


Dr Limmington Spur Lilliput, Isle of Man.


From @Jonny_Bangers (via email)

AAAHAAAHAAAAHHAAAAAAHAAAAAA! This Dorking Review book. Its a facking hoot!!!! AHHHHHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAHHAAAAA!! And those videos?! AHAHAAAAAAHAAAAaaaaHA! Marlon Shuttlecack!!! Demented?!? Brilliant!! Almost as good a laff as Jim Davidson!!! But not quite. AHHAAAAAAHAAAAAA!


(via Skype) Legs_&_Co_69 'Come UP and see me sometime...'

View Earlier Messages... Same time tonight for the webcam big-boy? ;-)))))

[Can't tonight @L&C. Missus is back early from Tai Kwon Do class. :-((( Ed.]


Dear Sir,

Two points. The first in answer to Dr Limmington Spur of Lilliput, about whom I have an eerie feeling of deja-vu. I thought that, in previous correspondence, the existence of my home town, Dorking, had been proved beyond doubt yet now this 'Doctor' is raising the issue again! Let me make it perfectly clear, Dorking and its inhabitants are real. As I type this, I'm pinching Mrs Hodgkiss to prove that she, and everyone else in this rural idyll of Dorking really do exist. She in turn is hitting me repeatedly over the head with a 5kg bag of frozen sprouts to prove my corporeal form. Let this be an end to it!

My second point regards the stars of the current Dorking You-Tube phenomenon, viz Mr & Mrs Shuttlecock. Mrs Hodgkiss and I are keen Badminton players and wonder if the Shuttlecocks would like to make up a foursome at the weekly Wednesday night Dorking Badders club, held at St Botolph's recreation hall?

We could even swop partners? Mrs Hodgkiss has seen Marvin's films and has intimated that she would love nothing better than having a 'knock-up' with him and, having seen Mrs Shuttlecock's rubber gloves, I too would like to play with her.

Yours, in anticipation and a modicum of concussion,

Ernest Hodgkiss, Plomley Villas, Dorking, Surrey.

[Blimey! To be continued... Ed.]

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