Written by Thomas S. Guisto

Friday, 7 October 2011

image for The White House Papers Gunslinger and Noble Peace Prize Winner

The New York Times recently received the transcript of the latest cabinet meeting at the White House. The Times released the following excerpts of the meeting.

President Obama: First I want to open this meeting by thanking Secretary Panetta for killing Awlaki and that other guy. Leon, job well done!

(Round of applause from around the table)

Secretary Panetta: Thank you, Mr. President. I'm happy to kill terrorists for you.

President Obama: Again great job! After all, the American people did hire me to kill terrorists and by golly I'm going to kill them.

Secretary Sebelius: I thought that they voted for you to pass Obamacare and close Guantanamo Bay.

President Obama: We passed Sebeliuscare based on your recommendation and since we're killing terrorists we're not sending them to Gitmo to be inhumanly treated like Dick Chaney did.

Secretary Clinton: But some Americans object to assassinating American citizens even thought they're terrorists.

Attorney General Holder: We treat all terrorists equally. They are all wanted dead! No more of that "or alive" silliness.

President Obama: Yes, I can sling guns as well as those Texans can.

Secretary Panetta: Mr. President, you do realize that gunslingers don't actually sling guns.

President Obama: Oh!

Secretary Panetta: Maybe we could setup another briefing for you like the one we did after you confused corpse-man with corpsman.

President Obama: Yes, I really liked that briefing, especially that movie with that John Wayne chap.

Secretary Panetta: If you like we could show another John Wayne movie.

President Obama: Oh, did he make cowboy movies also?

(A giggle from somewhere around the table.)
President Obama: Hillary, did you just roll your eyes?

Secretary Clinton: No, Mr. President.

President Obama: And Leon, the next time you are going to kill a terrorist, let me know. I love being in the command center. It also makes for a great photo-op.

Secretary Clinton: But what about killing American citizens?

Secretary Napolitano: First we call them homegrown terrorists. It sounds better and the public seems to accept it. That's why we keep saying that homegrown terrorists have become our biggest concern.

President Obama: If we can kill homegrown terrorists overseas why can't we kill them at home? (Pause) Hillary, did you just roll you eyes again?

Attorney General Holder: I have no problem with killing them, as long as we don't profile.

Vice President Biden: I have a list of homegrown terrorists, if that will help, Mr. President.

(The Vice President gives the President five sheets of papers)

President Obama: Now Joe, I told before we can't kill members of Congress even if they are terrorists!

Vice President Biden: Well okay if you're going to strictly follow the letter of the Constitution, but the last several names should still be okay.

President Obama: I don't think we can kill Fox News broadcasters either, can we Eric?

Attorney General Holder: Maybe, as long as we don't profile. But I better do a little research before we fire off any drones.

Secretary Clinton: Are we talking about firing drones at Americans in America?

President Obama: No one objected when we killed Americans overseas - oops I mean homegrown terrorists. Why would they object it we kill them in the States? War is war!

Secretary Clinton: But aren't you afraid of losing your Liberal base in next year's election.

President Obama: Where are they going to turn? To some rightwing nut? (Pause) Hillary, did you just roll your eyes?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: White House
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