Written by IainB

Saturday, 1 October 2011

image for Theologians discover the Judgement Day Staff is a sexual reference Come Judgement Day...

"And on judgement day, He will walk among us with his staff held erect," says Revelations 12:8.

"We have been looking at this phrase for the past two thousand years," said Biblical scholar, Samuel Ahmed. "And it was only yesterday when we realised that when God bestrides the earth at the end of days, he will do so with his cock out. It certainly is a book of revelations!"

Based on this remarkable conclusion, Ahmed has been through the whole Bible looking for more cases of God's prediliction for appearing buff naked.

"What I've found is that there is no mention at all, not one scrap, of God wearing clothes," said Ahmed. "It's not just assumed, there are plenty of cases where complete nudity is specifically mentioned."

In Genesis, the first book in the bible, God's naturist nature emerges, according to Ahmed.

"God creates man in his own image with the creation of Adam," said Ahmed. "And what does the bible say Adam is wearing? Nothing, absolutely starkers. When I made a clay model at school in my own image, I put clothes on it. What I was wearing that day, which I believe was a kaftan."

In John 1, there are indications that God occasionally has been more than naked.

"'We love him because he loved us first'?" asked Ahmed. "If a child uttered these words, social services would be around straight away looking for other signs of abuse."

Everywhere Ahmed has looked he sees sexual references throughout the Bible.

According to Christopher Walker, Ahmed is alone.

"The guy's a pervert," said Walker. "He'd see something steamy in the very innocent Letters to the Apostles, 'and God showed the chicken keepers his cock'."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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