Written by Inchcock

Thursday, 14 July 2011

image for A Guide to What you need to become a Politician! See number 11 on the list

Thanks to Mr H Ogwash, for giving his permission for us use his article 'What you need to become an MP!', originally published in the 'Upper Denture Gazette' last May.

Created and written while under the influence of anaesthetics and medications, in a haze of half conciousness and nurses adjusting his dressings, it was his first effort after having Cardiac surgery. He was to have had brain surgery as well, but unfortunately it could not be found.

What do you need to become a rich successful Member of Parliament?

You should ideally already have the these Advantages/Qualities/Skills/Tendencies

A) Rich Mater and Pater
B) Private Education (Having a famous 'fag' helps further)
C) Offshore accounts created by Daddykins
D) Be completely ignorant of what Conscience is and means (the faculty of moral insight and correctness)
E) A natural hatred and loathing of the proletariat
F) The ability to cheat, steal, and lie
G) A facial expression that only a mother your could love
H) You find it easy to con others
I) A total lack of recognition or use of Ethics

The following Qualities/Skills/Tendencies should be acquired as soon as possible (if not already present) and displayed at all times, to ensure your obtaining your dream:

1) Nepotism
2) Nihilism
3) Greediness
4) Superiority
5) Covetousness
6) Prehensileness
7) Acquisitiveness
8) Sacricolist to wealth
9) Bribery and blackmailing skills
10) The ability to ignore and deny your own ignorance and stupidity
11) Sleep with your advisor's of the same sex in a hotel room (Willie Hague style, look at him, his got millions, as well as the perfect smug smile!)
12) Total rejection of, Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Charitableness and Agreeableness from your life
13) Temerate actions (to break a bond or promise, to profane)
14) A Malicious Streak, and the ability to use it at all times

If any prospective candidate is still uncertain if they have the qualities required, they can contact me at: Nottingham Heights Crematorium, row 234 - peg 16, between 2300hrs and 2315hrs most nights.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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