Written by Skoob1999

Friday, 24 June 2011

image for Hospital Visiting Time The Scene Of The Crime

Michael is visiting his best mate Steve at the hospital. He looks awkward. In his hand he clutches a brown paper bag. He approaches his friend smiling a little nervously. Steve is propped up in bed. Michael sits in a chair beside his friend's bedside cabinet.

"All right mate?"

"Hello Michael."

"Steve...er...how are you?"

"I've just had surgery on me back..."

"Oh, yeah. Is it sore?"

"Course it's fucking sore. It's back surgery."

There is a pregnant pause.

"They giving you anything for it?"

"For what?"

"Your back..."

"Yeah. They're giving me back pain pills."

"For your back like?"

"Course they're for me back. Obvious innit?"

"Well, I don't know..."

"They aren't gonna give me fucking throat lozenges, are they?"

"I wouldn't have thought so. Throat lozenges wouldn't be much help to a sore back. Unless you've got a sore throat as well."

"I haven't got a sore throat..."

"Nasal spray..."

"You what?"

"Nasal spray wouldn't be much use for a sore back either. Not unless you had a blocked nose as well."

"I haven't got a blocked nose."

"Why they giving you nasal spray then?"

"They aren't giving me nasal spray!"

"They might as well. I mean if they're giving you throat lozenges, they might as well give you nasal spray too..."

"They aren't giving me throat lozenges. Or fucking nasal spray. They're giving me pain killers. For me bastard back."

"Is it sore then?"

"Course it's fucking sore! I've just had surgery on it! That's why they're giving me fucking painkillers!"

"All right mate! Christ you're a bit touchy tonight. And I had to catch two buses to get here."

A prolonged silence ensues. Eventually, Steve, the patient, speaks:

"What's in the bag then?"


"Please don't tell me it's a bunch of grapes..."

"It's not grapes."

"Thank fuck for that. What is it with people in hospital and grapes? Why does everyone who visits bring grapes?"

"Dunno...but I haven't brought grapes..."

"So, what's in the bag then?"

"Three lemons."

"Three what?"

"Three lemons."

"What? Lemons as in citrus fruits?"

"Well, yeah..."

"What am I supposed to do with three lemons?"

"Well, you could squeeze 'em and rub the juice on your back..."

"Would that do me any good?"

"I dunno..."

"Fucking hell..."

More extended silence. It's Steve who speaks again.

"So, you going out tonight?"


"What'll you do then?"

"Probably just stay in and watch the telly."

"Sounds exciting..."

"Not really. What you up to?"

"I was thinking of going out clubbing."


"Course not really you stupid twat! I've just had surgery on me back! I'm in fucking hospital you dingbat!"

"Yeah, yeah, course. Dunno what I was thinking of there for a minute."

"Course you didn't."

"Anyway...I'd best be going..."

"Yeah. Laters mate."

"Good to see you mate. Thanks for coming. And thanks for the...erm...lemons..."

"S'right. Laters."

At which point, Michael leaves. He wonders why on earth he bothered coming in the first place.

Steve heaves a sigh. He's glad Michael has left. He didn't want a visitor anyway.

Such is life. Such is hospital visiting.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Hospital
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