Written by Josh Gillam

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Sometimes you'll see the disclaimer, "No animals were harmed during the making of this film", at the end of a movie. I think that's a rather bold statement. I'm watching the movie thinking, "I know for a fact around the time they were making this movie that I ran over a squirrel and accidentally locked my cat in a closet over a weekend."

Did they have a crew go out and survey people? They should look into rephrasing that disclaimer to say, "Animals were probably hurt during the making of this film, but we're pretty sure that none of them were harmed by us." And what does that disclaimer really do anyway? Do they think some guy is watching the movie and the whole time he's wringing his hands and stressing out thinking, "I really hope no animals were harmed when they made this." The credits roll, disclaimer comes up, "Oh thank God, NO animals were hurt!" What a relief for that guy. Apparently this is the way to get PETA off your backs.

I suggest a new disclaimer for KFC; no animals were harmed in the making of this fried chicken. There you go vegetarians, eat your meat guilt free. "This chicken is delicious! Good think no animals were hurt when they made it!" My neighbors always have their dogs running around outside, and I know it's just a matter of time, so I had a bumper sticker made that I put on my car, it says, "Disclaimer: No animals were hurt in the running over of your dog." Boom, liability issue solved.

I know the disclaimer wouldn't fool vegetarians into eating real meat, but I'm surprised that they don't put the disclaimer on vegan products. It provides them comfort when watching their movies, how about when eating their fake burger? No animals were harmed in the making of this burger that contains no meat, but a lot of trees were cut down to make the cardboard it was packaged in. Gotta give them something to feel guilty about.

Why are vegans wanting fake burgers anyway? I'll never understand the whole fake meat thing. "I don't want to eat meat, but I want to eat things that taste like meat." And why is it that the spokesmen for vegan people always look like cancer patients? They look sick and pale. These are the people trying to convince me that being vegan is healthier for me?

There's a reason they don't show big fat people with heart problems in McDonald's commercials. Put your best man forward. You need to get the guy that just became vegan out in the spotlight, while he still has some meat on his bones. Then once he starts to shrivel up like a raisin, shove him to the back, out of site. Shouldn't be a problem, it's not like he'll have the strength to fight back.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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