Daytime TV bully and serial ranter Jeremy Koyle is to be the shock replacement for Cheryl Cole on The X Factor. This week Ms. Cole was acrimoniously dropped from the show.
Simon Cowell was interviewed by this reporter this morning.
"Cheryl Who?" he chuckled, clearly misunderstanding the high regard with which the singer is held in the UK. "She's just too nice, too pretty, and has the capacity to be even more popular than me," said the narcissistic mogul. "I want someone who will not only be a bastard on the programme, but has a proven track record of being a bastard on television. Who better than Koyle?"
I has been given access to rushes from the first round of X Factor. In them Koyle:
* reduces a grandmother in a wheelchair to tears after calling her a 'complete spazz and waste of wheel rubber'.
* shouts at a blind singer that she'd be more talented if she lost the ability to speak as well.
* swears at a little boy who's performing for his dying father that 'he's the kind of child you'd commit suicide to avoid'.
"This is just the kind of stuff I like," Cowell enthuses. "Someone who says whatever they like before they even engage their brain. In the light of the Cheryl Who? fiasco I come up smelling of roses while Koyle just comes up smelling. And even if you don't like what he says, at least you can understand him."
Jeremy Koyle is understood to be attending a Tourettes Syndrome Enhancement programme, and has been seen in a local park spitting at passing pensioners.