Written by Eurocleese De Zouch

Friday, 29 April 2011


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In another in our series, Gabby and Alan give their insightful nuggets on how the beautiful game should be played.

Interviewer: "So then, what tactics would you employ in order to come off as winners?"

Gabby: "When playing away from home, you have to keep it really tight at the back..It's suicide otherwise. Get your head on everything. Give the ball a slight tickle with your hand or foot, if you can get away with it."

Alan: "As a forward, I needed to be as forward as possible, so I could mop up mistakes. I might be lucky, and there could be a slip up...You seize your chance, enter the box, and slot it home - hopefully leaving someone with egg all over their face....Unfortunately it's not always that simple".

Gabby: "Absolutely. I think you need to be a bit cheeky too. Shield yourself. Put your full weight behind it..back into the player and play a simple one-two if you become trapped...I love watching a tricky Dribble..."

Alan: "Lasting the full 90 minutes can be tiring. During really tough encounters, I feel a bit of a spring in my step, when we change ends. It really allows me to get my breath back...It stops all the yawning...A harsh talking to at half time can be hard to swallow."

Interviewer: "So if put yourself in the proper position at the right time, you can't go too far wrong then?"

Alan: "Yep...it's all in the timing...surprise them...the more variation the better, I would say...Try not to make a fist of it...Be adventurous!".

Gabby: "Hopefully someone will make a gaff, and with any luck, end up on their backside, spread-eagled, for all the world to see"..

Interviwer: "So then Alan, who was the best player you faced?"

Alan: "Seaman. Immense. Phased by nothing and hard to please. Loves the odd artichoke and built like a horse in every way."

Interviewer: "Thank you Gabby and Alan"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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