Written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 24 April 2011

image for Want To Get Away With Beating A Family Member? Make Sure It's Your Child.

Sure, everyone knows that there's no better way to blow off steam after a hard day at the job than bashing your wife's head in with a meat tenderizing mallet. But coming home and donkey-punching the Mrs. is just going to land you in front of the same Judge who yanked your license last year. Now, New Jersey has solved the problem for everyone:

Beat the sh-t out of your kid!!

I am sickened...
...but the law cited is verbatim in New Jersey, because New Jersey recognizes a parent's "right" to use physical violence as discipline. F--k you, New Jersey.

In New Jersey, like in all other states, the moment that the cops respond to your nosy neighbor's 911 call, and see that the old lady's nagging has turned Mr. Hand into Mr. Fist, you're getting Mirandized and fitted for locking bracelets.

There is a loophole, as it were, allowing you to imprint a family member's skull with the scuffs on your boots:

"Mandatory Arrest. A police officer must arrest and take into custody a domestic violence suspect and must sign the criminal complaint against that person if the victim exhibits signs of injury caused by an act of domestic violence."


The victim is; 18 years of age or older, or who is an emancipated minor, or if the victim, regardless of age, has been subjected to domestic violence by a person with whom the victim has a child in common, or with whom the victim anticipates having a child in common, if one of the parties is pregnant, or who, regardless of age, has been subjected to domestic violence by a person with whom the victim has had a dating relationship.

So... ya can't spank the wife, or baby-mama, or your girlfriend. But, if the victim is under 18 and related to you?

Whale away!

"Yeah, it's f--ked up," says child advocate Anthony Rosania,
who, as a victim of child abuse, was removed from his home 3 times as a kid. "A poodle has more rights and protection against domestic abuse than a child. It's sick."

Thus, next time you're really pissed, don't smack Mama or granny. Bash your son or daughter's head in! It's good for them, and fun for you!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Topics: child abuse
More by this writer
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.

Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.

Go to top
52 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more