Written by Inhopeless

Friday, 15 April 2011

As a native Briton (that's like saying the Americans), I am British (that's like saying he is American). So, that makes me qualified to write this guide on Britain.

Firstly, London is not interchangeable with Britain. People who are not Londoners (which is about 58 million) will get pretty pissed off.

Also, England is not interchangeable with Britain. It's an understandable, but unforgivable mistake.

London is, on the contrary, not the only part of Britain. Not everyone goes around in bowler hats saying tally-ho. The worst crime we have is homicide, not drive-by put-downs or whatever.

I live in Birmingham. That's the second city of Britain. 1.03 million people. Technically the biggest city in Western Europe, because it is ONE sole district, unlike London or Paris which are split into self-governing districts. Don't say 'forget about it'. Birmingham was the powerhouse of the industrial revolution. Also, where do your bullets come from? Birmingham. Most of the world's bullets are either made on Birmingham standards or made IN Birmingham. So, without Birmingham, this piece would not exist.

Okay, now we have the annoying Geography out of the way here are some useful tips:

- Unlike in America, we have a 2.5-party system. And they're all as bad as each other. At least they're not widely different,

- We talk on mobile phones.

- Our black people are called Afro-Caribbean, or simply black. It's that simple.

- Asian means people who are the ones who make curry. Pakistan, India, Bangladesh. What you might think with Asian (Chinese, etc.) is called Oriental.

- I don't know where the hell you get the idea that no-one brushes their teeth (what the hell?), but we do. And we all shower. Hell, we wrote the fucking book on selling beauty products.

- We're not quaint little village people. We have crime. GASP! You cannot get from London to Edinburgh in 4 hours. How impossible. Also, we are probably the most consumerist, vacuous nation in terms of money we spend on retail. I'm not kidding. Shopping centres are busy at 5am.

- Buckingham Palace was around BEFORE the city. Just to make sure. And no, I don't know the bloody Queen. She's also the Queen of Britain, NOT just England. England isn't technically a fricking country.

- I assure, you, NOBODY talks posh or Cockney. I know it's hard to distinguish between accents, but I'm sure you can guess Northern, Rural, Posh, Scottish and Cockney, right?

- The NHS is not some medieval hacking facility. Doctors here are nearly at a breakthrough for cancer treatment, and we have the first automated hospital.

- Why are you reading this in this strange script? Oh, yeah, that's right. We invented it, bitches.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Britain
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