Today MonkeyInTheBath news had the pleasure of interviewing the leader of the British Green Party, Calorie Spielberg. Our best interviewer, known only as Me, was sent along.
Me: Miss Spielberg, congratulations on becoming leader of the Green Party last year.
CS: Thank you. Of course, we are all hippies so we don't really believe in leaders. But we decided it might be useful for us to have one, just so people know who to interview.
Me: That's an interesting stance for your party to take. How do you expect to lead the country if you don't believe in leaders?
CS: We don't expect we will ever lead the country. We were very lucky to get an MP elected even in Brighton. Let's be honest, that was only because all the hippies and gays who live there are so drugged out of their minds they don't know who they're voting for. We fooled them by filling our leaflets with bright colours.
Me: That's very honest of you to admit that. So what are the Green Party's policies now that environmentalism is mainstream?
CS: That's exactly our problem. In the 80s we were campaigning for the environment - save the rainforest and the whales, all that shit - and it worked because now everyone is aware of those causes. Some of them are even quite popular. But now that they are mainstream that there's no point in us continuing in that direction. We need to become more extremist to gain any attention at all.
Me: So what have you done?
CS: We are basically all communists now. I mean, look around you. Capitalism has failed. We need an alternative.
Me: How exactly has capitalism failed? We're sitting in a coffee shop drinking £4 coffees right now, so I would say capitalism looks pretty successful from here.
CS: But it's really failed. I mean, you can look at the USSR and say communism failed, but really it didn't. But then if you look at the US now, you can definitely say that capitalism has failed and it really has.
Me: That doesn't make much sense. Much of the modern world around you has been created under a capitalist system. That's hardly a sign of failure.
CS: But there is a huge recession at the moment.
Me: A recession doesn't mean the system has failed. It just means that prices were too high, in particular house prices. It could be argued that it is an advantage of capitalism that prices are being forced to adjust after they were being artificially inflated before.
CS: Well I don't really understand economics, I'm just a communist. We are in favour of a revolution.
Me: What kind of a revolution?
CS: We want to get rid of anyone who is successful under the current system, and give a chance to all the poor, the dispossessed, the hippies.
Me: So because you haven't managed to make something of yourself, you want to drag everyone else down to your level?
CS: Exactly! I want us all to go back to living in the woods and living off leaves and lentils.
Me: At least you admit it. Thank you Miss Spielberg, and may I congratulate you on your new environmental campaign to stop wearing clothes.
CS: I am the Earth. The soil is in me.
Me: It will be quite literally if you sit down like that!