Written by b kenneth mcgee

Thursday, 10 March 2011

A confidential survey done by a GOP strategist was leaked to the press yesterday, a few days after the Iowa GOP Iowa caucus. It showed a deeply split and uncomfortable minority among several of the GOP hopefuls for the presidency in 2012. Everyone interviewed spoke on condition of anonymity.

Here a few of the quotes as reported:

"I'm sitting there on the stage at the caucus," said one, "and I am hearing views that would turn the stomach of the majority of Americans, or at lest I think so. I know we have to do it, these are the people that will vote in the primaries and if you don't win them, you're done. After I spoke and sat down, it felt like I had just fudged my pants and was sitting in it! The applause was thunderous! I'm not sure it is worth it."

Another candidate, considered moderate, said, "I felt like I was sitting in a room and the air vents were pumping in halitosis, like being in a room full of road kill! Are these people fucking nuts?"

A third candidate insisting on anonymity was quoted as saying, "I read once about a very fat man in Europe sleeping in a small closed unventilated room that died from the fumes of his own flatulence! I thought I was going to die sitting next to Gingrich!"

The GOP strategist said in his report that one of the candidates that represents the majority summed up the views, "Look, we couldn't win the general election right now. We know that, but you have to give hate a chance you know. It's like one of those Water & Grow plants. You just have to water and feed it and Walla, it flowers. Or," he paused; "it's like introducing someone to porn on the internet. They look at it the for the first time and say, 'Yuck, that's disgusting,' but when you go back four hours later, they have their nose up against the computer screen and a glassy look in their eyes surfing the porn sites. Fear and hate are always there in the human condition. You just have to nurture it. We'll be there in 2012!"

The GOP strategist was stunned by the remarks and says the candidate got up and started to leave the room, then turned back, winked, and said, "Want to come over tonight, and surf the net?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Topics: GOP
More by this writer
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story
Read full story

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more